Missing: A One Day Old Teudat Zehut

The yeshiva bachur & I

I made aliyah on a Tuesday and one of my dear oh dear brothers of mine, Massye, landed in Israel on Thursday to begin his shana (I would like to think of it as chaim) ba'aretz. Being the best sister that I am (Dear Siblings, I am still patiently waiting for a "we got the best sister shirt") I decided to go to the rova Friday morning and meet up with him and give him all the tips and tricks of being a rova rat (which I was NOT).
Oh and by the way I got my teudat zehut on Thursday. Just a side note. It's not like this entire post is based around that or anything ;-)
When I got my teudat zehut it was stressed over and over again that it must be carried with us everywhere. Going shopping? Bring your TZ. Going one step out of your home? Bring your TZ. What  the heck the deal with a teudat zehut is I have absolutely no idea. You know how police men whip out their "I am a policeman, don't mess I.D. badge thing? So I do the equivalent- "I am Israeli, shabam." Not that that would help me in any situation and looking from the standpoint of the worlds attitude towards Israel it would most likely get me killed.
The picture I gave Nefesh B'Nefesh to use for my teudat zehut was the classic Lottie mug shot. I am obliged not to smile when I get passport pictures taken of me, apparently my eyes get all Chinese- esque. So I learned my lesson and instead of having the professional passport photographer (obviously they all went to F.I.T. to study photography) yell at me that he can't see me because I am smiling, I stand in front of the white canvas and just stare at them as if I am in jail until the picture is taken. I don't even bother looking anymore when they ask me if I like it, it's just far too depressing.

Exhibit A- my USA passport picture. I was yelled at when I smiled. Not something that happens daily 

So back to the story. In a nutshell my teudat zehut picture was me looking like a terrorist wearing a nude shirt. I promise I was wearing a shirt and I promise it was the color nude. Don't listen to what other people may say. But whatever at the end of the day this was my I.D. card and I am finally a real Israeli, deodorant-less (JOKES) and all.

The first TZ picture. Judge for yourself. 

Great. So I go to the rova bright and early Friday morning. Massye and I had to make our plans Friday night and play it all 1990's old school since the sim card for my phone had not arrived yet. Baruach Hashem, my iPhone was back in my hands and was not given to Mohamed-ette for Ramadan.
The minute I saw Massye I took out my teudat zehut and went on a rant about how he is just a tourist in my  country. That he counts for nothing here and it's like he doesn't exist, because obviously the only people that matter in Israel are people with teudat zehuts. What a foreigner he was. Such an American.
Once I brought the poor kid to metaphorical tears since I made him feel so guilty, I PUT MY TEUDAT ZEHUT IN MY WALLET AND MY WALLET IN MY BAG. I did. I really really did. AND I CLOSED MY BAG.
Massye then had to go so I told him that, I, the Israeli, have far better things to do then to hang out with such a tourist. Fun fact, that was a flat out lie.
I figured I would go to the kotel. You know first Friday in Israel as an oleh chadasha heading down to the kotel, how original.
There were a ton of people at the Kotel plaza, and my wallet was in my backpack and having a neurotic mother (WHO I LOVE DEARLY) who puts ideas in your head which are most likely true, I reached into my backpack to take my wallet out.
One problem it wasn't there.
I was going to my grandparents in Modiin for Shabbat and I brought all my clothes with me to the rova so I could just go straight. I spilled out all the contents of my bag on to a bench. When I say the contents of my bag I mean to say my bright blue polka dot PJ pants because that was about all I brought. No wallet.
I shook the contents of my bag out, aka the PJ pants and put my hand in my empty bag searching for a good 5 minutes. What I learned about myself in that moment in time is when I can't find things irrational thoughts go into my head. Such as perhaps my wallet is invisible or I can't see it I can only feel it. Don't ask.
Still no wallet.
I re-traced my steps about 12 times. Nothing. I gave a suspicious looking women a death stare. She just moved benches so she was no longer stuck in my stare.
Oh my goodness, I was going to get arrested for walking around without a teudat zehut. I was going to be the first oleh chadasha to be thrown in jail her first week in Israel. I mean that is definitely a way to get my name out there but not really what I had in mind.
I had no other choice but to be that neb that goes up to the Kotel security people in between sobs "can... I... borrow your your your... phone... I CAN'T... FIND... MY... WALLET."
Thankfully, one of the security people did not wake up on the wrong side of the bed that morning and handed me his phone. I told him I just made aliyah (it's great pulling out the aliyah card as often as humanly possible) and my phone is unlocked but I'm waiting for the sim card. He cut me off mid sentence and told me to just use his phone he doesn't really care why.
To make a very uninteresting story interesting, I lost a rather large amount of cash that day, two credit cards, my beloved Holy Bagel card, my gd sent oil blotting papers, a pretty solid eyeliner, my Rav Kav (with if I may say so myself a very good picture of me) and my new friend- my teudat zehut.
What to do, what to do?
I needed to wait until Sunday to go to Misrad Ha'Pnim to get my new teudat zehut.
Motzai Shabbat I couldn't sleep. I was going through every single terrible scenario that could potentially occur the following morning. I convinced myself I would get kicked out the country. I mean how suspicious is it that someone who made aliyah less then a week ago already lost her teudat zehut. They for sure were going to think that I wasn't a loyal Zionist, and I would be expelled forever. What would I tell my family?! What would I tell my friends?! How could I ever look at myself in the mirror again.
I walked in shaking that Sunday morning. One of the guys behind the desk had to fill out my form for me since I did know what the heck it wanted from me. The form asked for my address, telephone number, you know the normal. The guy for sure thought I was an idiot, but hey, at least I saved the ink in my pen since I didn't have to fill anything out!
Finally after waiting for 8 minutes (always go to these places early. Shockingly it is pretty organized and there are not too many lines. It's a morning miracle) (oh and I was totally timing how long I was waiting for) my number got called and I went up to one of the desks.
I told the Blondie what happened and she was laughing for a solid two minutes and saying in between laughs "and you just got it three days ago". Yes Blondie, I am aware I got it three days ago, get it all out of your system and give me my new and hopefully improved (I brought a better picture this time and I am wearing a jean shirt so no need for machlokets as to whether or not I am dressed) teudat zehut.
I guess losing your teudat zehut after three days isn't terrible. I was fortunate enough to bring laughter and happiness to Misrad Ha'Pnim so early in the morning. Mitzvah gedola lehiyot b'simcha, and I decided that the mitzvah is even bigger if you are the one supplying the simcha. So go me!

TAKE TWO!!! Please ignore the enlarged pimple... clearly it came from stress. 

In short I am now the owner of a beautiful new teudat zehut with a picture ten times better. So worth going through all that for a better picture. See, everything does happen for a reason!



Thanks whoever stole my wallet. And enjoy that purple eyeliner that was in there. Just FYI it isn't waterproof.