My Traumatic Morning

After basically starving myself for the past week since I was too lazy to go and buy food I figured last night enough is enough.

I am sick of living in poverty and mooching off of people. I am better than this. I have dignity and I have pride and I have two legs so I am capable of walking to the supermarket.

In the name of all of those who I can't I went to this supermarket this morning.

Well actually I wasn't as confident as I am making myself out to be. Right before I was going to go I got a text from Daniella that Ugly (the ugly black cat that stalks us. Why is it named Ugly? Because it's ugly. It makes so much sense to just call people based on what your first impressions of them were. Well my everlasting impression of Ugly is ugly hence the name.) was downstairs.
So when times are tough you just go downstairs a half hour later with Ronit and use her as a human shield. Which is exactly what I did.

Anyhoo all is good in the world on my walk. Well minus my left foot which was throbbing from an up and coming blister. But compared to what is going on in the world my blister is nothing.

Got to the supermarket. Really nothing exciting. Bought food as if Sandy Take Two was on it's way to Israel.

But then as I am walking, well running back to my apartment to beat the delivery guy with my food, oh and a blister pretty much the size of Kansas at this point I see right in front of me are these two animals.

So I have a fear of almost all domestic animals. Apart from fish. Well only when they are in the bowl. So you would think I saw a dog and if I did you have all the rights in the world to say "ok we know you are afraid of dogs but we are really sick of you mentioning it in every post." Of if I saw a cat you could say "we know all about Ugly. Get a personality. You are boring." Or a hamster, "yes you mentioned once or twice you used to have a hamster. NO ONE CARES." Basically I think we can all say this blog is more dedicated to my fear of animals than my aliyah.
But don't fret (I love that phrase.)

I saw two horses.

I walked home from the supermarket with two horses.

And we learn from this that even in panic mode I am still able to take a picture. You're welcome.

I was passing a construction area and two horses, one white and one brown to be exact turned the corner out of the construction area right in front of me.

I almost passed out.

My last thought before my highly potential passing out or getting trampled by these horses (which was probably more likely)  was "thank gd I saw a MADA ambulance this morning so I know this are on duty today."

I was tip toeing behind them since I didn't want to scare them and then they would have a reason to attack. The best though was some person who was waiting by the bus stop and when the horses past she pet them. This isn't some free public petting zoo. There are times I believe that some people are just not in the human race. This has got to be one of those times.

By some miracle I made it home unharmed.

I live on a farm. It's official.

Looking forward to seeing the cows tomorrow. Moo moo.

P.S.- Nikki.
Ok now all memeber of KY 15 have been mentioned!

I Have A Farm. Ee-I-Ee-I-Oh.

I know "hate" is a strong word, so I will try to say this as subtly as possible.
I highly dislike, despise and don't care for animals. At all.
That dog that you have that you have and claim that it's harmless, well every time I look at it I see myself getting eaten.
That cat that apparently never scratches, well it always scratches me. I basically need stitches.
My family had a hamster a few years ago. I was looking at it once while it was in its cage. Just looking. I come in peace. The hamster was lucky enough I was even giving it the time of day. Anyways, to cut a long story short it scratched me. You heard right, it was in it's cage and with all it's strength took it's monstrous claw, reached out of the cage and scratched me.
See, animals don't like me and I am forced to return the favor.

In America the only daily issue I had were squirrels. Fortunately, I have no horror stories to report. However, there were times my plans were delayed a few minutes since there would be a squirrel sitting on my doorstep outside and I would always wait until it left before I left. I guess that it where I get my everlasting patience from ;-)

Then I decided to make aliyah and the animal issue only went downhill.

Old McDonald doesn't have a farm anymore. I do. And on that farm we have a...

CAT:

When we looked at our apartment for the first time, I immediately saw a black cat sitting right by the elevator on the ground floor. I didn't want my future landlord thinking he was renting this place out to some lunatic so I kept my cool. At this point my friends already knew the drill- just be my human shield. I would never ask for a human shield from rockets or missiles, but when it comes to animals it is highly essential.
Anyways, we bought the apartment and apparently the black cat came with it.

This cat sits outside the entrance door to the building all day and all night. Clearly g-d is on my side because there are two entrance doors so when it is sitting by one I run across the hall and use the other door and then declare victory once I have made it out safety.

The other day was different. The other day I was attacked. I am a survivor. It was hard, but I have made it through.
It was about 5:50 and I was leaving my apartment to go to class. I have one of those funky looking, old elevators and I accidentally hit my neighbor in the head with the door. Oops.
Anyways, I made it to the ground floor get out of the elevator and I see this black creature sitting right by the door. I took a step, it took a step. I was trapped and my worst nightmare was there to join me.
I tried going back into the elevator, but the cat followed me inside and there was no way I was introducing this cat to my apartment. I started walking to the main door to get out of the building and figured since this cat is following me it will leave the building since I am.
I opened the door and since I am such a polite human being and try to do my best to tell these animals I come in peace I let the cat out first but it didn't budge. It actually spread itself out on the floor right in front of me. I was going to throw up. I somehow managed to step over it and ran for my life. RAN FOR MY LIFE. I never took gymnastics or anything so I really have no idea how I managed to jump, hoop and loop around this cat.

BREAKING NEWS: About an hour ago I was leaving my apartment and the cat wasn't sitting by the entrance so I knew today would be a good day. Well, that was until I was halfway through the door and I saw this black cat (I decided to name it Ugly this morning), Ugly running, no bolting towards me. I ran back inside and slammed the door shut just missing one of it's legs. Your welcome PETA.
Ugly caused me to spill my coffee everywhere, be late for class, and once again assure me that my fear is justifiable.

On that farm we also have...

PARROTS:

The house right by the entrance to my building has a parrot cage. I personally find parrots creepy. People speak. Not parrots. Thank gd I have yet to hear them speak, only chirp. And chirp. And chirp. One day, one of them escaped the cage and landed on my window sill. Luckily the window was closed. If it were open I would not be alive right now to tell the tale. Some call me miracle child actually.

On that farm we also have an...

OWL:

Every morning, every afternoon and every night there is this "hoo hoo" sound coming from mine and Nikki's room. The noise is coming from very nearby. I am too nervous to look out the window when I hear it out of the fear that it may attack when it sees a human. I have never really watched/read  Harry Potter but it is very Harry Potter-esque, you know with his pet owl and all. Maybe it's my invitation to Hogwarts. Not interested. Not interested at all.

Ee-I-Ee-I-Oh. 

If you are interested in donating animals to the farm talk to the people who run Givat Shmuel. Clearly this is what their intentions are.

A Heading Home Adventure...

This happened about two weeks ago but it is just too good and fortunately or unfortunately totally true.
I was on the train in Jerusalem on a Friday on my way to the tachana to get back to Givat Shmuel in time for the holy Sabbath.

Obviously the train was disgustingly and possibly illegally crowded but I made it to my little go to spot in the corner by one of the doors and put my "Beach" aka chill playlist and all of a sudden I was in the Greek Islands.
I was the only one on the beach and had a strawberry daiquiri  in one hand and someone giving me a manicure on the other hand (of course the nail person, who was Asian (the Greeks bring over Asians as well) already painted the hand holding the daiquiri  Midnight Blue already- my favorite Essie color). The weather was that medium between hot and deathly hot. The sun was shining and since I was on the Greek Islands where miracles happen I was only getting tanned, not burnt (if only). Oh and most importantly the birds in Greece clearly realized I have an irrational fear of them (ever since me and my sister got chased by seagulls in England. Worst. Day. Of. My. Life. The trauma affects me daily) so they left me alone. Imagine being on a beach without seagulls... pure paradise.

Ok, so that was where I was in my la la land even though in reality I was stuck on a light rail in a county that is trying so hard to be modern but with some people that are still trying to prove that evolution did indeed happen (explanation: because they were acting like chimpanzees. duh.)
Someone was carrying a stroller over his head with a baby inside since there was no room for the stroller.
Looking back on it it would have been so worth it to do this thing called walk to the tachana but I was so set on the fact that I will stay on this train and live to tell the tale. Walking is for the weak.
When times got tough I just said hello to Mykonos and all is good.

At one point the train stopped (obviously) and in less you wanted to do some sort of moshpit thing there was really no room to get in. Everyone seemed to understand this but this one 40ish year old woman. I guess she was the rock concert type since clearly she was very willing to get in on the almost potential moshpit. She tried getting onto the train but couldn't even get on (I'm telling you it was repulsively crowded. I hate myself to this day for not walking or cabbing. Being the only person in a means of transportation... ahhh what a concept.).
The doors started closing and they were at the point when there was like an inch left until they would be fully closed. I guess that was the time that Little Miss Psycho Path decided to make her smooth move.
This woman put her hands in between the doors and tried yanking it open.
That alarm sound that goes off when someone is in the way of the door closing was quite loud. Me swimming with the dolphins in Greece was abruptly cut short from the alarm sound.
This modern day Hercules (I don't even know if she was a woman anymore after seeing what force and strength she put into opening these doors) got the doors to open a little more.

Everyone was yelling at her to leave it alone and the next train will be coming in 7 minutes anyways.
Seriously unless she thought mashiach was on the train I have absolutely no idea why she would risk her hands getting chopped off to get on the train.
Well little did I know she was not only risking her hands getting chopped off...
(Now this is where the story gets good or really disturbing depending on your sense of humor)

So great everyone was yelling at her and I got pretty good seats actually to see this whole thing go down.
I am guessing that this woman wasn't so good at biology or really just had zero understanding of the way the human body works because what she did next was... well, I truly, for once in my life have no words.
There was enough space in between the doors for her to put her head in. And putting her head in is what she did.
I kid you not. I wish I was. But I am not. Sadly. Or happily for the sake of a great story.

Just imagine this scene- a crazy busy train (try imagine the lines outside of Bloomingdale's on the eve of Black Friday and then trying to cram all those people on a train. And now say hello the train I was on), an alarm ringing (that Beyonce song Sound The Alarm was taken to new extremes), babies crying (it's no longer the "babies on the bus go wah wah wah" now it's the babies on the train. And trust me they are much louder than any bus baby will ever be), no room to sit, stand or breath and a woman with her head stuck in between the doors. Totally normal right?

I think the woman realized the ramifications of what she did and she started shrieking. Everyone on the train didn't really know what to do with themselves. I think they thought in times of need just run around in circles in yell. Well considering we were on a train that didn't even have enough room for an ant, running around in circles would not be a possibility so they doubled on the yelling bit.\
Call me the most obnoxious person in the world but I could not stop laughing. A lot of things happen to me or around me that I could never of have even imaged would happen but this was just beyond human comprehension. I so wished my phone wasn't dead at that moment because the scene that I was witnessing would have totally beat "Charlie Bit My Finger" on Youtube.

The train stopped completely and one of the people working on the train came to yank her head out from the doors. (there's a sentence I never thought I would write)
I was just so relieved when the alarm finally stopped. I promise for the rest of the day all I heard was ah ah ah ah ah ah. Not a pleasant sound at all.

I was also fascinated to see what her next move would be. Would this woman who miraculously walked out of this situation with both hands and a head intact try to get on the train or finally give it up.

I know if it were me I would check myself into a mental institution straight away and stay in solitary confinement forever. And create a bracha to thank Hashem for giving me a head that can endure train doors.

Well this woman brought a new meaning to the word stubborn and she walked straight on to that train. No worries, no body parts got caught in the doors.
For some bizarre reason someone got up straight away and gave her a seat. Like are you rewarding her for attempting suicide?
"Wow great job on your 'how will I kill myself' tactics. Here take my seat."
I learned a song in fourth grade about never telling a lie so I'll be honest and say that my first thought after this psycho got a seat as some sort of reward for getting her head stuck in a door was "hmmm maybe I should try this out sometime."

She sat down and everyone started yelling at her and she just told them all to calm down and it really isn't that big of a deal.
She probably did this all the time.
I was thinking of all the situations she must have been in and used this superpower called "head power" to get out of it.
She was in the supermarket and she went to the cheese counter and they didn't have Parmesan left so she hit her head against the glass counter until she got what she wanted.
Or her laptop broke so she told the Apple guy she will hit her head with her laptop until he gets her an earlier appointment in the Apple store.
Honestly the list can just go on and on.

And there was my Friday two weeks ago for you!

P.S.- I didn't use that laptop example just for fun. My laptop broke last week. Any suggestions? Because you know until you tell me how to fix it I'm just going to have to hit my head with a broken laptop.
Also needless to say it's harder to blog without a laptop. Not that my blog is important or anything ;-)

And Today In My Non Eventful Life...

Today was the fateful day I went to Minahel HaStudentim.
I am a survivor. I did not give up. I did not stop and I did work harder (shout out Destiny's Child circa 2000).

I had class until 11:30 this morning and MS (we are on nickname basis) was open from 8-1 and then again from 3-5 (may we all be worthy enough to have a two hour lunch break).

When I was going to go three weeks ago it was pouring rain.
Then two weeks ago it was pouring rockets and last week I was in Jerusalem so I guess we can say it was pouring kedusha (if we are sticking to this "pouring" theme).
Well today it was not raining rain or rockets and I was in Givat Shmuel- it was go time.

I figured I would leave to Tel Aviv at 11:30, right after my class and go to the Azrieli Mall until 2 when I would head to MS Land.
Why go to the Azrieli? Because I deserve it.
I was always the best at Secret Santa so since I am not playing it this year with anyone, I might as well play it with myself. Aka getting myself whatever I want.
Also since I was going to be reimbursed pretty soon by MS I might as well get a head start on spending the money because we all know that's what I do best.

Obviously the 90% American in me needed to go to Forever21 first and take a breath of that fresh American air.
Now, I  know the Forever21 in Times Square in New York. You know the one you need to be suicidal to enter. Four floors of just clothes. Just clothes. It's a dreamland actually, but a dangerous one.
When I walk into Forever21 in New York my game face goes on. The pushing, the shoving, the grabbing- I am an aggressive shopper and not ashamed to admit it.
So I thought if Forever21 in New York is a zoo the one in Tel Aviv is just going to be a living nightmare.
First of all the one in TA only had two floors. Like what kind of clothes store only has two floors?!
Everyone was so freakishly polite. I was tempted to steal something so the alarms would go off and we can start some drama. The Forever21 in NY always has the alarms going off, it truly is an event.
It was possibly the most tamest experience I have ever had, and I really and strangely did not like it.
Part of loving a shirt is knowing the fight you had to endure in order to wear it. What I bought today is just a shirt that I took off the rack like any other normal person, how boring.

So I may have spent a little too much time in the Azrieli. It was a very necessary shopping trip though. From what I heard about MS you need to walk in cool calm and collective and shopping is the only thing that can do that to me. Cool, calm, and collected I was when I left. Well that was until I realized I was on the wrong bus.
I am not even going to go through all my bus sagas today, but in a nutshell they all went something like this- "I was on a bus. 15 minutes in I realized it was going in the opposite direction. I got off the bus and took the same number across the street."
This happened about three times today.
What am I thankful for? The Mooveit app on my iPhone.
What I learned today? Get over your ego and ask for directions
Will I apply what I learned today? No.

Basically if you were on a bus in Tel Aviv today the chances of me being on your bus are pretty high... potential bus buddies!

Anyways, got to MS. It was empty. I was in and out in ten minutes.
I guess there is a benefit to going right after the deadline (fun fact: the real deadline was last Thursday but they extended it until tomorrow. Clearly no one was aware of that but me. Ha. Ha. Ha)

It all went very smoothly. Well apart from the fact it said on my form that I was married. She asked to see my marriage certificate (I think that's what its called. See clearly I am so not married!). I thought she was joking. But no no this Rivka woman ain't joking.
I told her I'm not married and she said why does it say here you are?
Ummm maybe because you wrote the wrong thing.
I showed her my hair, my ring-less finger and told her I have no marriage certificate to show her.
Only in Israel is your cover-less hair a proof that you are indeed not married.
It was definitely a bizarre experience, but if that's what I needed to do to get my tuition money back (and then spend it all... thanks parents, you love me ;-) I'm there.

Obviously after MS I deserved to do some more window turned actual shopping.
Success. And so needed.
Today I discovered Tel Aviv and am a very happy camper.

Got on the bus back and this person had her bubby cart (definition of a bubby cart- a bubby who wheels a cart. Pretty self explanatory eh) in the aisle and refused to move it and you legit had to hop, jump or skip over it.
Her excuse- there's no where to put it.
My answer (if I actually had the guts to answer)- Oh so your bubby cart is more important than my broken leg.
So sweet. So selfish. May her and her bubby cart have an excellent life together while me and the rest of the people on the bus tend to our injuries in the hospital.

So yup in a nutshell there was my day. Fun right?
Off to bed... I hope when I wake up my blog will have 300 more views.
Some may say wishful thinking.
I say exactly.

The Drawers. THE DRAWERS

I never knew my life was so suspenseful. I really do pity the people that are impatiently waiting by their computers, laptops, iPhones, blackberries (and if you have a blackberry I double pity you), iPods with wifi, iPads (oh to live in the 21st century) to see if my drawers have arrived.
Well good news they have! Bad news they are teeny tiny. I guess that is the gamble of ordering online.

The guy called me on Sunday at 12 o'clock asking for directions. As I started telling him he said he actually knows where he was and hung up.
I figured he would be by me soon so I did the ritual of hiding under the table and covering my ears since the buzz for our apartment can seriously give someone a heart attack. Please, whenever you come visit me I will happily give you the code, you know, for the sake of my health.
Anyways, an hour passed and he still wasn't by me. There is really nothing to do around where I live. I have absolutely no idea what was taking him so long.
I called him back twice and told him I'm the loser waiting for the drawers and he hung up on me both times.
Visions of Maya kept creeping in my head.
Clearly Hashem loves me because he finally came with the worlds smallest drawers.
Oh, and he was s-w-e-a-t-i-n-g (good job, that does spell sweating) and told me he was walking with the drawers.
Why? Perhaps Home Center can't supply their employees with a delivery truck.
That place is so beyond my comprehension I can't even begin to ask why.

The Never Ending Wait

The day was November 1, 2012. Well maybe not exactly, but it's fun to pretend. Also it was around that time so I think I'm excused.

On that fateful day I realized not all my clothes fit into my closet.
I am a self admitted clothes addict. Proud of it baby.
I won't be cutting my credit cards on Oprah anytime soon. Trust me.
However, I may be asking Oprah to invent bigger closets (because you know Oprah secretly runs the world) since my clothes just don't fit.

I came to terms with the fact that I will need to order drawers for the rest of my clothes.
I went on Home Center dot com, found some uchy short term drawers, pressed order and figured "great it will come in a week and all will be good in the world." Keep in mind this was the beginning of November. Clearly my theory was wrong wrong wrong.

They apparently called me a week later saying that they are ready to deliver the drawers. I say apparently because they didn't call. I did not get any missed calls or received calls. First complaint I have about Home Center- liars. It's not like "don't lie" is in the aseret ha'dibrot or anything.

Week two of "The Wait": I began getting voice mails from them. Maybe saying voice mails is too nice. Threats is more like it. "If you don't call us back we won't deliver your order." Ohhhh Home Center, I'm so scared you won't deliver my drawers. I'm going to cry myself to sleep now and never recover.
Somehow they know when I have class and only call during those times. Then when I call them back and return their threat-mails they yell at me that I am incompetent.
What do you mean I am incompetent? I am the one who is in school. I am the one who is trying to make a better tomorrow for the future generation.
What are they doing? Verbally harassing people is the answer.
The conversation would usually end the moment I would say "ani tzricha mishloach" and then they would hang up.

Week three of "The Wait": I am sitting in my apartment one day when I get a call from Home Center. Apparently they were right outside my front door. Funny, because when I went down to check they weren't there. The only possible explanation for this is perhaps they were wearing an invisible cloak or something.
I may not be Israeli, but I'm not an idiot. Don't call me and tell me you are outside and then when I tell you that you aren't yell at me. I even told them my address and they told me they are right there. Funny, because I was right there and they were probably in their office in Who Knows Where Land.
I started to think this was some sort of conspiracy or prank. Like pick a costumer and just mess with that person.
It's ironic because the week before I ordered the drawers, (you know in the beginning of November) I put my family in debt by buying an animal of a blanket/ pillow from them (read http://newestsabraontheblock.blogspot.co.il/2012/11/and-you-thought-you-had-comfiest-bed.html). So I put my family in debt and in return I get a prank? I see how it is and revenge in not a pleasant word, Home Center.

Week four of "The Wait: Aka this week. For all of you who don't know I was at a week long seminar at Yad Vashem (best thing that has ever happened to me. Message me on Facebook about it, I will gladly send you a megillah all about it), well Home Center had to ruin one of the best weeks ever. I must have gotten at least ten missed calls from them daily. Because as I have said they love calling when I am in class.
This week I figured enough is enough. I am done with the threats. I am done with the lies. I don't even want my drawers anymore but I stand for justice and justice is what I will receive! Nothing more and nothing less.
I must have spent hours on hold until I finally got through to Home Center. Actually until I finally got through the master of threats, Maya. Bring it.
Obviously she did the ritual of yelling at me and told me that they will begin taking money off my credit card (which correct me if I am wrong but I do believe that is illegal). I told her in my pathetic Hebrew that instead of fighting with me let's just figure out this delivery guy situation so we can all move on with our lives. What a concept.
She gave me the number for the delivery company.
I do have to give some credit to Ms. Maya. For the first time she was able to provide me with some sort of useful information. Well that is until I call the delivery company and they tell me since they sent a guy before (look at week two) with the drawers they have to wait another month to deliver.

They are a delivery company. Deliver. It's like if I order sushi on Tuesday and then I order again on Thursday and they say "no sorry, you had on Tuesday so you need to wait another month." I am truly not understanding the waiting another month thing. Also if I waited another month I would have to put up with these death threats from Maya. She did have all my information so for all I know she could be walking to my front door any day now with an axe. Personally, I wouldn't want that.
Well I told this delivery woman I am not putting up with this anymore. I wanted to be able to sleep at night safely knowing that the Home Center murder squad won't be hunting me down anymore.
Of course she put me on hold and after a solid 20 minutes she says "we will call you back later to inform you on what we have decided."
Like is this a court case or something?! Just say when are you home next week and we will gladly deliver, but no no everything needs to be oh so dramatic. Maybe this woman was a failed actress or something.
For this first time in my life they call me back when I can actually pick up and said they will be by me Sunday between 10 to 1. She then told me that I need to be home because if I am not I will need to sort out my own delivery. I told her part of delivering is showing up to the person's home, not claiming you are there and really aren't.

Home Center, I will be waiting for your arrival with coffee and cookies tomorrow morning. That is if you show up.
These drawers better be good.

Stay tuned...

P.S.- Happy December!