It's About Time!!!!

Saying Sh'heciyanu isn't even enough to describe how happy I am to finally be able to say, I came. I saw. I conquered.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4yABo7QBawU- Today's anthem.

Today, October 25 will be a national holiday (not because it's Rachelle's birthday... ;-) but because I had my first day of school! One class, but you gotta start somewhere. Clearly Bar Ilan is very into easing people in sloooowly. If only I could tell high school me that one day I would be so excited to start school.

I walked in to the room faking to be all cool calm and collected. Key word in that sentence- FAKING. Big time. I had my coffee in one hand, my iPhone aka my security net in the other. (One could say I was pulling a Kimmy Samet... who knew I was so into shout outs today) When I walked into the room some girl said something to me. I have absolutely no idea what she was saying. It could have been anything from "your shirt is inside out" to "I see your American and have no idea what is going on and I will hate you." It truely could have ranged. Great, I walked in and two seconds later someone is possibly hating me already. I know I'm good looking but calm down there, no need to be a hater.

The teacher came in. And we had to write our names, major/ minor and year on a piece of paper. FYI- I am getting so judged by the fact that I don't have a minor. It's like people won't talk to me because I'm the kid that's not minoring in something. I just can't get it right! When I had that five minute idea (maybe even less then that) once upon a time that I was going to minor in art history everyone (ha, I make it sound like everyone knew. Maybe one person knew aka my mom. I told you a five minute idea. No one get insulted here) was like "oooohhhh you can't minor. No one minors in things. Ew who does that. You're contaminated. This friendship is over." Clearly, I took that very personally and now that I am not minoring in anything it has come to bite me.
Message of the story- no I am not minoring in anything. Sue me. Or love me. Whatever floats your boat.

So fine we had to write down our life story (well to me it felt like my life story since that is all people seem to ask me these days. Name. Major/minor and year. Like do you want to know where I was born? Who my second grade teachers were? Obviously not.) This guy asks me if he could borrow my pen to write down his info. My hands were legit shaking. He had to catch the pen from my hand. If I wasn't me and I saw that I think I would call 911. Poor kid.
Well for this teacher writing down your info wasn't enough, he wanted all of us to become buddy buddies so we had to say our life story too. I think I melted.
You know those stories of people "dying" and then coming back to life? So I think that happened to me today.
Like really? They really need to hear my accent in the first 7 minutes.
I should write a book. "How To Not Make Friends In Israel"- Way number one- SPEAK. And not only speak but speak with the abnormally strong New York accent that is slowly just turning into a curse.

So it was my turn. I think I did pretty well. I now know that in a case of emergency and panic (which this certainly was) I remember my name, my major and my year in University. Because what else matters in life, right?
Clearly Israelis and Americans have the same sense of humor because after I said my name my teacher said "ahhh kimo ha'caffe"Ha. Ha. Freakin Ha. I have never ever ever heard that hilarious joke before.

Then down to business. Class started. Shockingly I understood way more then I thought I would.

Somehow the topic went from why and how Modern Jewish History got the title Modern to how nice shuls are in America. It is very possible I was putting words into his mouth, but I really think that's what was flying. I think I was glowing. Actually glowing. All of a sudden I remembered shuls in America looking like Beverly Hills mansions (I can assure you my shul does not look like that). If one of them were to ask me what my shul looked like I think I would have answered, "gold. Just gold. Oh and some diamonds here and there. You know, the usual."

My notes. It doesn't matter that there were 1 million Jews living in America in 1900. It matters that America was mentioned. Best moment of Bar Ilan so far. USA USA USA

Ok then some more Hebrew gibberish, and then he asked the best question ever.

"Who knows what haskala is in English?"
I was thinking, "ok I am going to give these losers a chance to shine and show off their "rocking" English skills. Some girls raised her hand and said education.
Now, at the time I had no idea that haskala in Hebrew does mean education. No worries, about a half hour later I found out. You know, right after judging this girl insanely because she was so pretentious thinking she knows English and all that.
Anyhoo, she says education and I'm thinking what an idiot. It means enlightenment. Do you not know anything? Like I own this class because I know exactly what he's saying and she doesn't even know what haskala means in English. Uch I'm going to have to tutor her and be extra nice to her because clearly she doesn't know English and just needs help in life. Yes, this all made sense in my head.
Anyways, when the teacher said "no it means enlightenment." it was possibly the best SHABOOYA I OWN YOU moment of life.
Yes, as I said before my friend, Shayna (woohoo again with the shout outs. It's your lucky day.) told me a little later that indeed haskala does mean enlightenment.
Well whatever, she should have understood the context in which he was asking better. So yes, I still rock. I charge 50 shekel an hour for my English services.

Once class was over, it was the moment you (well at least I) have been waiting for. My chance to shine when I go up to the teacher and say how amazing I am for doing what I am doing and he should start praising me now because it may take all year.
So I fix my hair a little, you know gotta look good for this big, huge, life changing moment.
I had this massive smile on my face. You would think someone just gave me a million dollars and my own private island. Nothing could destroy this moment for me.

Me: "Shalom!! Ani oleh chadasha v'..."
"Yodati."

That's it?! No balloons falling from the sky? I no longer wanted to give him my whole speech that I practiced numerous times and even wrote out. He did not deserve that.
Instead he deserved an email a half hour later (it took me so long to type I could have taken a nap, woken up, made a snack, cured cancer, and saved Darfur in the amount of time it took me to write this three line email in Hebrew. I am telling you a taf on the Hebrew keyboard just doesn't exist.) asking to clarify what the homework was.

And there it is day one. Well class one.
Strike back on next week? Who knows.

P.S.- Ronit says she loves this blog and you should show people because she wants me to become rich and famous. What a selfless friend.