My Traumatic Morning

After basically starving myself for the past week since I was too lazy to go and buy food I figured last night enough is enough.

I am sick of living in poverty and mooching off of people. I am better than this. I have dignity and I have pride and I have two legs so I am capable of walking to the supermarket.

In the name of all of those who I can't I went to this supermarket this morning.

Well actually I wasn't as confident as I am making myself out to be. Right before I was going to go I got a text from Daniella that Ugly (the ugly black cat that stalks us. Why is it named Ugly? Because it's ugly. It makes so much sense to just call people based on what your first impressions of them were. Well my everlasting impression of Ugly is ugly hence the name.) was downstairs.
So when times are tough you just go downstairs a half hour later with Ronit and use her as a human shield. Which is exactly what I did.

Anyhoo all is good in the world on my walk. Well minus my left foot which was throbbing from an up and coming blister. But compared to what is going on in the world my blister is nothing.

Got to the supermarket. Really nothing exciting. Bought food as if Sandy Take Two was on it's way to Israel.

But then as I am walking, well running back to my apartment to beat the delivery guy with my food, oh and a blister pretty much the size of Kansas at this point I see right in front of me are these two animals.

So I have a fear of almost all domestic animals. Apart from fish. Well only when they are in the bowl. So you would think I saw a dog and if I did you have all the rights in the world to say "ok we know you are afraid of dogs but we are really sick of you mentioning it in every post." Of if I saw a cat you could say "we know all about Ugly. Get a personality. You are boring." Or a hamster, "yes you mentioned once or twice you used to have a hamster. NO ONE CARES." Basically I think we can all say this blog is more dedicated to my fear of animals than my aliyah.
But don't fret (I love that phrase.)

I saw two horses.

I walked home from the supermarket with two horses.

And we learn from this that even in panic mode I am still able to take a picture. You're welcome.

I was passing a construction area and two horses, one white and one brown to be exact turned the corner out of the construction area right in front of me.

I almost passed out.

My last thought before my highly potential passing out or getting trampled by these horses (which was probably more likely)  was "thank gd I saw a MADA ambulance this morning so I know this are on duty today."

I was tip toeing behind them since I didn't want to scare them and then they would have a reason to attack. The best though was some person who was waiting by the bus stop and when the horses past she pet them. This isn't some free public petting zoo. There are times I believe that some people are just not in the human race. This has got to be one of those times.

By some miracle I made it home unharmed.

I live on a farm. It's official.

Looking forward to seeing the cows tomorrow. Moo moo.

P.S.- Nikki.
Ok now all memeber of KY 15 have been mentioned!

I Have A Farm. Ee-I-Ee-I-Oh.

I know "hate" is a strong word, so I will try to say this as subtly as possible.
I highly dislike, despise and don't care for animals. At all.
That dog that you have that you have and claim that it's harmless, well every time I look at it I see myself getting eaten.
That cat that apparently never scratches, well it always scratches me. I basically need stitches.
My family had a hamster a few years ago. I was looking at it once while it was in its cage. Just looking. I come in peace. The hamster was lucky enough I was even giving it the time of day. Anyways, to cut a long story short it scratched me. You heard right, it was in it's cage and with all it's strength took it's monstrous claw, reached out of the cage and scratched me.
See, animals don't like me and I am forced to return the favor.

In America the only daily issue I had were squirrels. Fortunately, I have no horror stories to report. However, there were times my plans were delayed a few minutes since there would be a squirrel sitting on my doorstep outside and I would always wait until it left before I left. I guess that it where I get my everlasting patience from ;-)

Then I decided to make aliyah and the animal issue only went downhill.

Old McDonald doesn't have a farm anymore. I do. And on that farm we have a...

CAT:

When we looked at our apartment for the first time, I immediately saw a black cat sitting right by the elevator on the ground floor. I didn't want my future landlord thinking he was renting this place out to some lunatic so I kept my cool. At this point my friends already knew the drill- just be my human shield. I would never ask for a human shield from rockets or missiles, but when it comes to animals it is highly essential.
Anyways, we bought the apartment and apparently the black cat came with it.

This cat sits outside the entrance door to the building all day and all night. Clearly g-d is on my side because there are two entrance doors so when it is sitting by one I run across the hall and use the other door and then declare victory once I have made it out safety.

The other day was different. The other day I was attacked. I am a survivor. It was hard, but I have made it through.
It was about 5:50 and I was leaving my apartment to go to class. I have one of those funky looking, old elevators and I accidentally hit my neighbor in the head with the door. Oops.
Anyways, I made it to the ground floor get out of the elevator and I see this black creature sitting right by the door. I took a step, it took a step. I was trapped and my worst nightmare was there to join me.
I tried going back into the elevator, but the cat followed me inside and there was no way I was introducing this cat to my apartment. I started walking to the main door to get out of the building and figured since this cat is following me it will leave the building since I am.
I opened the door and since I am such a polite human being and try to do my best to tell these animals I come in peace I let the cat out first but it didn't budge. It actually spread itself out on the floor right in front of me. I was going to throw up. I somehow managed to step over it and ran for my life. RAN FOR MY LIFE. I never took gymnastics or anything so I really have no idea how I managed to jump, hoop and loop around this cat.

BREAKING NEWS: About an hour ago I was leaving my apartment and the cat wasn't sitting by the entrance so I knew today would be a good day. Well, that was until I was halfway through the door and I saw this black cat (I decided to name it Ugly this morning), Ugly running, no bolting towards me. I ran back inside and slammed the door shut just missing one of it's legs. Your welcome PETA.
Ugly caused me to spill my coffee everywhere, be late for class, and once again assure me that my fear is justifiable.

On that farm we also have...

PARROTS:

The house right by the entrance to my building has a parrot cage. I personally find parrots creepy. People speak. Not parrots. Thank gd I have yet to hear them speak, only chirp. And chirp. And chirp. One day, one of them escaped the cage and landed on my window sill. Luckily the window was closed. If it were open I would not be alive right now to tell the tale. Some call me miracle child actually.

On that farm we also have an...

OWL:

Every morning, every afternoon and every night there is this "hoo hoo" sound coming from mine and Nikki's room. The noise is coming from very nearby. I am too nervous to look out the window when I hear it out of the fear that it may attack when it sees a human. I have never really watched/read  Harry Potter but it is very Harry Potter-esque, you know with his pet owl and all. Maybe it's my invitation to Hogwarts. Not interested. Not interested at all.

Ee-I-Ee-I-Oh. 

If you are interested in donating animals to the farm talk to the people who run Givat Shmuel. Clearly this is what their intentions are.

A Heading Home Adventure...

This happened about two weeks ago but it is just too good and fortunately or unfortunately totally true.
I was on the train in Jerusalem on a Friday on my way to the tachana to get back to Givat Shmuel in time for the holy Sabbath.

Obviously the train was disgustingly and possibly illegally crowded but I made it to my little go to spot in the corner by one of the doors and put my "Beach" aka chill playlist and all of a sudden I was in the Greek Islands.
I was the only one on the beach and had a strawberry daiquiri  in one hand and someone giving me a manicure on the other hand (of course the nail person, who was Asian (the Greeks bring over Asians as well) already painted the hand holding the daiquiri  Midnight Blue already- my favorite Essie color). The weather was that medium between hot and deathly hot. The sun was shining and since I was on the Greek Islands where miracles happen I was only getting tanned, not burnt (if only). Oh and most importantly the birds in Greece clearly realized I have an irrational fear of them (ever since me and my sister got chased by seagulls in England. Worst. Day. Of. My. Life. The trauma affects me daily) so they left me alone. Imagine being on a beach without seagulls... pure paradise.

Ok, so that was where I was in my la la land even though in reality I was stuck on a light rail in a county that is trying so hard to be modern but with some people that are still trying to prove that evolution did indeed happen (explanation: because they were acting like chimpanzees. duh.)
Someone was carrying a stroller over his head with a baby inside since there was no room for the stroller.
Looking back on it it would have been so worth it to do this thing called walk to the tachana but I was so set on the fact that I will stay on this train and live to tell the tale. Walking is for the weak.
When times got tough I just said hello to Mykonos and all is good.

At one point the train stopped (obviously) and in less you wanted to do some sort of moshpit thing there was really no room to get in. Everyone seemed to understand this but this one 40ish year old woman. I guess she was the rock concert type since clearly she was very willing to get in on the almost potential moshpit. She tried getting onto the train but couldn't even get on (I'm telling you it was repulsively crowded. I hate myself to this day for not walking or cabbing. Being the only person in a means of transportation... ahhh what a concept.).
The doors started closing and they were at the point when there was like an inch left until they would be fully closed. I guess that was the time that Little Miss Psycho Path decided to make her smooth move.
This woman put her hands in between the doors and tried yanking it open.
That alarm sound that goes off when someone is in the way of the door closing was quite loud. Me swimming with the dolphins in Greece was abruptly cut short from the alarm sound.
This modern day Hercules (I don't even know if she was a woman anymore after seeing what force and strength she put into opening these doors) got the doors to open a little more.

Everyone was yelling at her to leave it alone and the next train will be coming in 7 minutes anyways.
Seriously unless she thought mashiach was on the train I have absolutely no idea why she would risk her hands getting chopped off to get on the train.
Well little did I know she was not only risking her hands getting chopped off...
(Now this is where the story gets good or really disturbing depending on your sense of humor)

So great everyone was yelling at her and I got pretty good seats actually to see this whole thing go down.
I am guessing that this woman wasn't so good at biology or really just had zero understanding of the way the human body works because what she did next was... well, I truly, for once in my life have no words.
There was enough space in between the doors for her to put her head in. And putting her head in is what she did.
I kid you not. I wish I was. But I am not. Sadly. Or happily for the sake of a great story.

Just imagine this scene- a crazy busy train (try imagine the lines outside of Bloomingdale's on the eve of Black Friday and then trying to cram all those people on a train. And now say hello the train I was on), an alarm ringing (that Beyonce song Sound The Alarm was taken to new extremes), babies crying (it's no longer the "babies on the bus go wah wah wah" now it's the babies on the train. And trust me they are much louder than any bus baby will ever be), no room to sit, stand or breath and a woman with her head stuck in between the doors. Totally normal right?

I think the woman realized the ramifications of what she did and she started shrieking. Everyone on the train didn't really know what to do with themselves. I think they thought in times of need just run around in circles in yell. Well considering we were on a train that didn't even have enough room for an ant, running around in circles would not be a possibility so they doubled on the yelling bit.\
Call me the most obnoxious person in the world but I could not stop laughing. A lot of things happen to me or around me that I could never of have even imaged would happen but this was just beyond human comprehension. I so wished my phone wasn't dead at that moment because the scene that I was witnessing would have totally beat "Charlie Bit My Finger" on Youtube.

The train stopped completely and one of the people working on the train came to yank her head out from the doors. (there's a sentence I never thought I would write)
I was just so relieved when the alarm finally stopped. I promise for the rest of the day all I heard was ah ah ah ah ah ah. Not a pleasant sound at all.

I was also fascinated to see what her next move would be. Would this woman who miraculously walked out of this situation with both hands and a head intact try to get on the train or finally give it up.

I know if it were me I would check myself into a mental institution straight away and stay in solitary confinement forever. And create a bracha to thank Hashem for giving me a head that can endure train doors.

Well this woman brought a new meaning to the word stubborn and she walked straight on to that train. No worries, no body parts got caught in the doors.
For some bizarre reason someone got up straight away and gave her a seat. Like are you rewarding her for attempting suicide?
"Wow great job on your 'how will I kill myself' tactics. Here take my seat."
I learned a song in fourth grade about never telling a lie so I'll be honest and say that my first thought after this psycho got a seat as some sort of reward for getting her head stuck in a door was "hmmm maybe I should try this out sometime."

She sat down and everyone started yelling at her and she just told them all to calm down and it really isn't that big of a deal.
She probably did this all the time.
I was thinking of all the situations she must have been in and used this superpower called "head power" to get out of it.
She was in the supermarket and she went to the cheese counter and they didn't have Parmesan left so she hit her head against the glass counter until she got what she wanted.
Or her laptop broke so she told the Apple guy she will hit her head with her laptop until he gets her an earlier appointment in the Apple store.
Honestly the list can just go on and on.

And there was my Friday two weeks ago for you!

P.S.- I didn't use that laptop example just for fun. My laptop broke last week. Any suggestions? Because you know until you tell me how to fix it I'm just going to have to hit my head with a broken laptop.
Also needless to say it's harder to blog without a laptop. Not that my blog is important or anything ;-)

And Today In My Non Eventful Life...

Today was the fateful day I went to Minahel HaStudentim.
I am a survivor. I did not give up. I did not stop and I did work harder (shout out Destiny's Child circa 2000).

I had class until 11:30 this morning and MS (we are on nickname basis) was open from 8-1 and then again from 3-5 (may we all be worthy enough to have a two hour lunch break).

When I was going to go three weeks ago it was pouring rain.
Then two weeks ago it was pouring rockets and last week I was in Jerusalem so I guess we can say it was pouring kedusha (if we are sticking to this "pouring" theme).
Well today it was not raining rain or rockets and I was in Givat Shmuel- it was go time.

I figured I would leave to Tel Aviv at 11:30, right after my class and go to the Azrieli Mall until 2 when I would head to MS Land.
Why go to the Azrieli? Because I deserve it.
I was always the best at Secret Santa so since I am not playing it this year with anyone, I might as well play it with myself. Aka getting myself whatever I want.
Also since I was going to be reimbursed pretty soon by MS I might as well get a head start on spending the money because we all know that's what I do best.

Obviously the 90% American in me needed to go to Forever21 first and take a breath of that fresh American air.
Now, I  know the Forever21 in Times Square in New York. You know the one you need to be suicidal to enter. Four floors of just clothes. Just clothes. It's a dreamland actually, but a dangerous one.
When I walk into Forever21 in New York my game face goes on. The pushing, the shoving, the grabbing- I am an aggressive shopper and not ashamed to admit it.
So I thought if Forever21 in New York is a zoo the one in Tel Aviv is just going to be a living nightmare.
First of all the one in TA only had two floors. Like what kind of clothes store only has two floors?!
Everyone was so freakishly polite. I was tempted to steal something so the alarms would go off and we can start some drama. The Forever21 in NY always has the alarms going off, it truly is an event.
It was possibly the most tamest experience I have ever had, and I really and strangely did not like it.
Part of loving a shirt is knowing the fight you had to endure in order to wear it. What I bought today is just a shirt that I took off the rack like any other normal person, how boring.

So I may have spent a little too much time in the Azrieli. It was a very necessary shopping trip though. From what I heard about MS you need to walk in cool calm and collective and shopping is the only thing that can do that to me. Cool, calm, and collected I was when I left. Well that was until I realized I was on the wrong bus.
I am not even going to go through all my bus sagas today, but in a nutshell they all went something like this- "I was on a bus. 15 minutes in I realized it was going in the opposite direction. I got off the bus and took the same number across the street."
This happened about three times today.
What am I thankful for? The Mooveit app on my iPhone.
What I learned today? Get over your ego and ask for directions
Will I apply what I learned today? No.

Basically if you were on a bus in Tel Aviv today the chances of me being on your bus are pretty high... potential bus buddies!

Anyways, got to MS. It was empty. I was in and out in ten minutes.
I guess there is a benefit to going right after the deadline (fun fact: the real deadline was last Thursday but they extended it until tomorrow. Clearly no one was aware of that but me. Ha. Ha. Ha)

It all went very smoothly. Well apart from the fact it said on my form that I was married. She asked to see my marriage certificate (I think that's what its called. See clearly I am so not married!). I thought she was joking. But no no this Rivka woman ain't joking.
I told her I'm not married and she said why does it say here you are?
Ummm maybe because you wrote the wrong thing.
I showed her my hair, my ring-less finger and told her I have no marriage certificate to show her.
Only in Israel is your cover-less hair a proof that you are indeed not married.
It was definitely a bizarre experience, but if that's what I needed to do to get my tuition money back (and then spend it all... thanks parents, you love me ;-) I'm there.

Obviously after MS I deserved to do some more window turned actual shopping.
Success. And so needed.
Today I discovered Tel Aviv and am a very happy camper.

Got on the bus back and this person had her bubby cart (definition of a bubby cart- a bubby who wheels a cart. Pretty self explanatory eh) in the aisle and refused to move it and you legit had to hop, jump or skip over it.
Her excuse- there's no where to put it.
My answer (if I actually had the guts to answer)- Oh so your bubby cart is more important than my broken leg.
So sweet. So selfish. May her and her bubby cart have an excellent life together while me and the rest of the people on the bus tend to our injuries in the hospital.

So yup in a nutshell there was my day. Fun right?
Off to bed... I hope when I wake up my blog will have 300 more views.
Some may say wishful thinking.
I say exactly.

The Drawers. THE DRAWERS

I never knew my life was so suspenseful. I really do pity the people that are impatiently waiting by their computers, laptops, iPhones, blackberries (and if you have a blackberry I double pity you), iPods with wifi, iPads (oh to live in the 21st century) to see if my drawers have arrived.
Well good news they have! Bad news they are teeny tiny. I guess that is the gamble of ordering online.

The guy called me on Sunday at 12 o'clock asking for directions. As I started telling him he said he actually knows where he was and hung up.
I figured he would be by me soon so I did the ritual of hiding under the table and covering my ears since the buzz for our apartment can seriously give someone a heart attack. Please, whenever you come visit me I will happily give you the code, you know, for the sake of my health.
Anyways, an hour passed and he still wasn't by me. There is really nothing to do around where I live. I have absolutely no idea what was taking him so long.
I called him back twice and told him I'm the loser waiting for the drawers and he hung up on me both times.
Visions of Maya kept creeping in my head.
Clearly Hashem loves me because he finally came with the worlds smallest drawers.
Oh, and he was s-w-e-a-t-i-n-g (good job, that does spell sweating) and told me he was walking with the drawers.
Why? Perhaps Home Center can't supply their employees with a delivery truck.
That place is so beyond my comprehension I can't even begin to ask why.

The Never Ending Wait

The day was November 1, 2012. Well maybe not exactly, but it's fun to pretend. Also it was around that time so I think I'm excused.

On that fateful day I realized not all my clothes fit into my closet.
I am a self admitted clothes addict. Proud of it baby.
I won't be cutting my credit cards on Oprah anytime soon. Trust me.
However, I may be asking Oprah to invent bigger closets (because you know Oprah secretly runs the world) since my clothes just don't fit.

I came to terms with the fact that I will need to order drawers for the rest of my clothes.
I went on Home Center dot com, found some uchy short term drawers, pressed order and figured "great it will come in a week and all will be good in the world." Keep in mind this was the beginning of November. Clearly my theory was wrong wrong wrong.

They apparently called me a week later saying that they are ready to deliver the drawers. I say apparently because they didn't call. I did not get any missed calls or received calls. First complaint I have about Home Center- liars. It's not like "don't lie" is in the aseret ha'dibrot or anything.

Week two of "The Wait": I began getting voice mails from them. Maybe saying voice mails is too nice. Threats is more like it. "If you don't call us back we won't deliver your order." Ohhhh Home Center, I'm so scared you won't deliver my drawers. I'm going to cry myself to sleep now and never recover.
Somehow they know when I have class and only call during those times. Then when I call them back and return their threat-mails they yell at me that I am incompetent.
What do you mean I am incompetent? I am the one who is in school. I am the one who is trying to make a better tomorrow for the future generation.
What are they doing? Verbally harassing people is the answer.
The conversation would usually end the moment I would say "ani tzricha mishloach" and then they would hang up.

Week three of "The Wait": I am sitting in my apartment one day when I get a call from Home Center. Apparently they were right outside my front door. Funny, because when I went down to check they weren't there. The only possible explanation for this is perhaps they were wearing an invisible cloak or something.
I may not be Israeli, but I'm not an idiot. Don't call me and tell me you are outside and then when I tell you that you aren't yell at me. I even told them my address and they told me they are right there. Funny, because I was right there and they were probably in their office in Who Knows Where Land.
I started to think this was some sort of conspiracy or prank. Like pick a costumer and just mess with that person.
It's ironic because the week before I ordered the drawers, (you know in the beginning of November) I put my family in debt by buying an animal of a blanket/ pillow from them (read http://newestsabraontheblock.blogspot.co.il/2012/11/and-you-thought-you-had-comfiest-bed.html). So I put my family in debt and in return I get a prank? I see how it is and revenge in not a pleasant word, Home Center.

Week four of "The Wait: Aka this week. For all of you who don't know I was at a week long seminar at Yad Vashem (best thing that has ever happened to me. Message me on Facebook about it, I will gladly send you a megillah all about it), well Home Center had to ruin one of the best weeks ever. I must have gotten at least ten missed calls from them daily. Because as I have said they love calling when I am in class.
This week I figured enough is enough. I am done with the threats. I am done with the lies. I don't even want my drawers anymore but I stand for justice and justice is what I will receive! Nothing more and nothing less.
I must have spent hours on hold until I finally got through to Home Center. Actually until I finally got through the master of threats, Maya. Bring it.
Obviously she did the ritual of yelling at me and told me that they will begin taking money off my credit card (which correct me if I am wrong but I do believe that is illegal). I told her in my pathetic Hebrew that instead of fighting with me let's just figure out this delivery guy situation so we can all move on with our lives. What a concept.
She gave me the number for the delivery company.
I do have to give some credit to Ms. Maya. For the first time she was able to provide me with some sort of useful information. Well that is until I call the delivery company and they tell me since they sent a guy before (look at week two) with the drawers they have to wait another month to deliver.

They are a delivery company. Deliver. It's like if I order sushi on Tuesday and then I order again on Thursday and they say "no sorry, you had on Tuesday so you need to wait another month." I am truly not understanding the waiting another month thing. Also if I waited another month I would have to put up with these death threats from Maya. She did have all my information so for all I know she could be walking to my front door any day now with an axe. Personally, I wouldn't want that.
Well I told this delivery woman I am not putting up with this anymore. I wanted to be able to sleep at night safely knowing that the Home Center murder squad won't be hunting me down anymore.
Of course she put me on hold and after a solid 20 minutes she says "we will call you back later to inform you on what we have decided."
Like is this a court case or something?! Just say when are you home next week and we will gladly deliver, but no no everything needs to be oh so dramatic. Maybe this woman was a failed actress or something.
For this first time in my life they call me back when I can actually pick up and said they will be by me Sunday between 10 to 1. She then told me that I need to be home because if I am not I will need to sort out my own delivery. I told her part of delivering is showing up to the person's home, not claiming you are there and really aren't.

Home Center, I will be waiting for your arrival with coffee and cookies tomorrow morning. That is if you show up.
These drawers better be good.

Stay tuned...

P.S.- Happy December!

Israel Unveiled...

For the past week the world has been condemning Israel for committing international crimes and what not.
Well little does the world know Israel has been committing crimes against it's own people for years.

This is just a sneak peek at some of the horrendous, awful crimes that I have been collecting for the past two years and finally thought the time has come to share them with the world.

Believe me, it doesn't get worse than this.

* "My foot falls asleep very easily. This never happens in America though."

* On finding out she was given the wrong medicine (a drum roll is in order)
Girl: "I hate this country. Only in Israel would they give me the wrong medicine."
Doctor Lottie: "This could also happen in America. That's wrong to hate on an entire country. Hate is a strong word you know."
Girl: " Shut up Lottie. I want to go back to America. My dad is a doctor."

* "I think my circulation is limited. I think it is because of the water here"
(I have no idea what limited circulation is. I just write what I hear!)

* My conversation with someone about their now fixed blackberry... it wasn't working for about 17 hours. Catastrophe.
Friend: "Lottie! Did you hear my blackberry is working again!"
Me: "See, you can survive a day without your phone."
Friend: "You don't understand how dangerous it is not to have a phone in a foreign country, especially in Israel."
(I guess after the past week I can understand this but this happened last year. You know when there was this thing called q-u-i-e-t.)

* On eating a re-heated slice of pizza...
"I hate this country. I miss the good food in America"

* Someones first words to me almost every morning for about a month...
"this country blows."

* On waiting for a bus that came 26 minutes late...
"Uch only in Israel does everything come late."

* "My feet are so dry. They are never like this. Only when I land in Ben Gurion do they suddenly get gross."

 And there you have it. Awful, I know.

Update: Thank gd all has been relatively quiet on my end since Sunday. Long may it last!

Welcome To Israel...

My dad told me last night that maybe if I write a good blog, this whole Hamas sending rockets over thing will end.
Not likely but I'll try.

Things on my end of Israel, well at least for me have been very on edge. Suddenly every sound I hear I need to double think. I feel like a two year old telling myself, "now, that's a car alarm so sit back down and calm down."And that whistle of wind, ya that's wind.
A week ago I never thought it was possible for someone to jump from wind... and then came this week.

I made myself a little survival pack which I put by my main door. It was pretty hard to decide what I would want to eat if I was in a bomb shelter. It couldn't be anything that smelled bad or gave me bad breath because who knew how long I would be in there for. If I am meeting the neighbors for the first time down there I don't want to smell bad. Also, it would then mean I would need to bring my toothbrush and toothpaste. Once I'm bringing that I might as well bring a change of clothes and my laptop. I didn't really want to be that person with the bag and all. It also couldn't be anything that need re-fridgerating. When my life is on the line I am not going to say "oh wait I just need to get my Cesar salad and dressing from the fridge. Oh and does anyone know where the plastic forks went." This needed to be an on the go sort of thing.
Fletzels- flat pretzels. The only solution. So I have fletzels and water (which I keep drinking because I am too lazy to walk an extra 10 steps into the kitchen and get so technically a basically empty bottle of water) are ready and waiting.


Over Shabbat thank gd things were quiet here. I just kept wondering what have I ever done to Hamas to make them want to kill me? Pretty much all I do all day is sit on a couch. I am the most harmless of beings. I'm guilty of killing a bug once or twice, but I don't think that's a legitimate reason for all this.
Granted, I have an amazing blog, but that's really the one thing I have going for me. I come in peace. And so do the rest of Israel. So leave us alone.

I never thought the words bomb shelter, siren and rockets would come out of my mouth when talking about my life. I'm this little nothing from Teaneck. We don't do this. Unfortunately Israelis do though. I am honored to be apart of it however frightening it may be.

This morning I was up for a little but decided to turn my phone off and take a little cat nap before the day starts. You know, because it was 10:30 am. Everyone goes back to sleep at 10:30am.
All of a sudden I heard the siren. Me and Ronit flew down the steps. Just imagine two normal Americans. At the time it was far from funny but secretly maybe if someone recorded it we could have a little laugh now.
We are on floor 6 and a half (which is the most annoying-est floor on the face of the planet. You need to explain it to people. You can either take the elevator to floor six and walk up a flight or to floor 7 and walk down. If I was going apartment hunting now I would not even look at apartments on the half floor. The effort it takes to explain it to people is just not worth it.) and the miklat is on floor negative one. We got to floor four and a woman told us to stay in the stairwell with her on that floor since we may not make it to the miklat. There was another woman there too.


It was really the best of first impressions to meet people for the first time when you are in the middle of hyperventilating and are wearing polka pot pajama pants and some t-shirt with the "five guidelines to marry Prince Harry."
At least now they know I like polka dots and plan on marrying Prince Harry.
And I was shoeless. May that be the first and last time I am ever shoeless outside of my apartment.

Me and Ronit were shaking like leafs. Again, why anyone would want to attack a very harmless girl who has never held a gun in her life nor ever wants to is beyond me.
Luckily, our two neighbors were with us. They kept on saying "eiza chavayaaaaa la la la la."

So for me a chavaya involves getting off the couch and going to the supermarket, or finally getting my minahel hastudentim stuff sorted out (which the deadline may or may not be next week... shhh). During my year and a half in midrasha when someone asked me if I wanted to go have a chavaya Shabbat with them on some hilltop with hardly any electricity, I would always say absolutely not. Well little did I know this morning I wish I took them up on the hilltop thing then this siren situation.

One of the woman said that her brother is living in Boca and told her to go to Florida and stay by him until this all dies down. Her response was "Israel's where it's at. I got my family and my Tehillim and I'm not going anywhere!"
They then proceeded to chant about Israel is the place to be right now.

I'm telling you I highly advise this ice breaker for meeting the neighbors. They know I don't react well to firey rockets coming straight at me from Gaza and I know they are totally chill by it.

Thank gd I didn't hear a boom and the iron dome intercepted both rockets that were heading in the Tel Aviv direction. Unfortunately I did forget to bring down my snack pack with me. May there not be a next time, but just in case I put it a little closer to the door. Food is important in times of distress!

One of the best Facebook finds ever.

This whole situation is so surreal. Never in my wildest dreams would I have ever guessed that I would get a glimpse at what Isralis in the south have been experiencing for years. This is real and scary stuff.
My little medicine for most hard times is a good sense of humor and lots of emunah so I got my "Rock It Out To The Iron Dome" playlist sorted out. We got "Don't Rain On My Parade" "I Dare You To Move" "I'm A Believer", the Jewish classics and some more.

In a nutshell, I would be lying if I said it's not scary and it's all great. Hearing hundreds of planes flying overhead during all hours of the night, saying bye to friends in the army, hearing sirens whether it's the real one or a noise that catches me off guard, it's petrifying, but I am honored that I can at least be a footnote in Israeli history.

P.S.- I also learned yesterday that there are three different types of bomb shelters. I always thought a miklat is a miklat, but apparently a miklat is for the bottom floor of an apartment building, a mamak is on every floor of an apartment building, and a mamad is in the actual house/apartment itself.

Lucky me I got the miklat. At least it will be good marathon training.

www.gofundme.com/lottieruns- I am still running in the Jerusalem Half Marathon on March 1.
All the money raised will be given to the Nefesh B'Nefesh Lone Soldier Program.
At this moment I have several friends who are lone soldiers anticipating what their next order will be. They are all the best of the best.
The program supplies them with care packages, social events, and constant support.
Please donate using the link above.

May we hear only happy news from the chayalim very soon... Hashem yitbarach.

Happy Three Months To Me!

It's official.
I have lived here for three months.
Well almost. I need to take into account when the best time to post so both Israelis and Americans can benefit from this blog. Apparently I have some Russians reading this (obviously I stalk my stats about this blog. Maybe I check every 3 seconds. Hypothetically of course.) so the Russian time zone has now become more essenetial then ever.

Throw me a party. Make me a cake. Cards are acceptable.

Over the past three months I have learned things I never knew existed or could have never imaged existed.
Laugh at me. Cry for me. But mainly laugh. Humor is key to survival.

* There is this thing in Israel that doesn't seem to exist in America. It's called a crosswalk (or zebra crossing... see I still have some British-ness in me). In America two white lines means drive over the person's foot who is trying to cross the road. In America it means honk louder than you ever have before. Shockingly, in Israel it means stop the car. For you Americans, stop means press down on the breaks and let the poor, innocent pedestrians cross the street.
The problem is though, that because Israelis drive so fast they take the word "press down on the break" very literally. I have learned that no matter how fast the Israelite is driving they will stop. Even if it means they fly out of the window, they will stop.
What selflessness. What unity. What law abiders.

* Speaking of the use of the brakes. Buses. Buses in this country love the brakes. And the exhilarator. Dear Bus Drivers, Fun fact- the exhilarator and brakes are meant to balance each other out, not be used to such an extent my head is constantly hitting the window or the seat in front of me. Sincerely, I Have No Licence But Drive Better Then You

* To all the future olim who like Parmesan cheese- the date on the container of the cheese at the cheese counter is the date it was packaged. Not the date it expires.
Obviously I went back to the cheese counter after buying the cheese to tell them it was expired, only to be answered with "no this was the day it was packaged" just to make the cheese guy laugh.
Nothing I wanted to do more in life at that moment then to make Mr. Cheese laugh.

Video taken Thursday night in the rova

* I get a delivery guy to deliver my groceries. Call me lazy. Call me smart. I call myself genius.
Well I call myself genius only after the food is delivered. Before that point I feel like an idiot. Why you may ask- first time- I didn't tell them I wanted a delivery guy until it was too late. Too late meaning she was in the process of taking my credit card from me. I told her I want a mishloach and her face looked like I was holding a gun about to shoot. I thought she would be happy I was willing to pay an extra 15 shek. But no no from that experience after making everyone behind me wait an extra 5 minutes (I have such nerve for holding these people up. Give me the worst person award. Gosh five minutes... chill.)  I learned that there is a time and place to ask your questions and asking for a delivery in the process of paying is a big fat NO.
Ok take two- go back on to the battle field (aka the supermarket). Before I even put my groceries on the thing (because obviously when I say thing you know exactly what I'm talking about) I said loudly and proudly "I want a mishloach please." Obviously with my shopping experiences I knew you had to say it before you put the groceries out. Ha what armatures that think you say it later on in the paying process.
Once I said that she called her friend over who came yelling at me and throwing the form I needed to sign at me. WHAT DID I DO?!
Dilemma- I need to go food shopping again. I would rather starve

Life lesson- you are never right. Especially in a supermarket.

* To put it in one word- strikes. Didn't think shveeta would be Hebrew Word Of The Day on my first day of school.

* I am able to eat my favorite snack in the world without worrying if the person miles away from me has a peanut allergy. Hello Bamba all day everyday.

* I learned this the hard way during my shana alef and unfortunately I'm learning it again (sadly it's not getting any easier)- people don't know what Teaneck is. Gasp with me. It's like "oh you know Manhattan?" "No." Even more so with Teaneck.

A Teaneck mom mobile in Givat Shmuel... see Teaneck is a global town

* That people that work on the egg farm go on strike often. While everyone in America was worrying about power and water I was severely worrying about the lack of eggs as rumor has it an egg strike (and the Hebrew word for that is...? Yes, this is a test) is in the making. Good bye sunny side ups.

* Israeli kid shows, cartoons, basically anything that involves childrens entertainment is creepy. It scares me, I don't know how it doesn't scare a five year old.

One of the thousands of examples. I was scared. Frightened. Petrified. All synonyms apply. 

* The hardest words to read in Hebrew are the English ones. You spend hours reading and sounding out the word "modernity" you look it up, you say it in an Israeli accent hoping some magic will occur and abra cadabra the word will make sense. Well it only makes sense at 1am when you realize the mystery word you had the hardest time with is an English word. Go you.

* In 65 degree weather Israelis wear their winter coats, hats and gloves. Brrrr. 65 and snowing tomorrow? Well according to Israeli fashion I think so.

Same Thursday night kumsitz in the rova.

* Make aliyah because here banks give out a free bike if you open a savings account, 50 shekels if you tell a friend to open an account in your bank, and discounts on everything. Who needs money with all these freebies?! Yes, I did get an unnecessary cardigan only because it was 50% off with my discount.

* I no longer say my name instead I spell it. "ma ha'shem shelach?" "lamed- vav- tet- yud" It's just not worth that hassle anymore.

* I have learned that the cats in Givat Shmuel are far more vicious than the cats in Jerusalem.
This is a venting session right? Here goes.
There is this black cat by my apartment building. No, not by my apartment, basically in my apartment building. Now I'm not superstitious or anything, but this situation is getting a little ridiculous.
Some mornings when I land on the ground floor in the elevator and I open the door (yup, we have those olden day elevators which at first creeped me out, but there is a certain charm to the old fashionedness. Takes me back to the 1970's or as my brother puts it- communism) and the cat is just staring at me. Or  I take out the garbage, and obviously first I do the cat search and nothing in sight, so I throw the garbage away and there is that freaky faced cat.
There are also two doors to my apartment building. The cat switches off which door to press it's face against depending on the day. I have not yet figured out it's schedule but hopefully soon I will. Anyways, I saw the cat was hanging out by one door so I ran across the hall to open the other main door and from the corner of my eye I see the cat running around so when I open the door it will run in. I was the mouse in this cat and mouse game, and believe me the mouse is not the person you want to be. By some miracle I did not get jumped on by this animal.
In case you don't know when I see a dog I see my head in it's mouth and when I see a cat I see myself being pounced on.  I think a goldfish is the only animal I see a potential friendship with.

Moral of the story- the cats are viscous. Count your lucky stars you only have squirrels. Squirrels go for nuts. Cats go for the Lottie.

* I discovered this little, really not important thing called the JERUSALEM MARATHON and will be running in it on March 1. I am actually about to go out now to train, see this is really happening (still don't know how I feel about it!)
I plan on raising at least $500 for the Nefesh B'Nefesh Lone Soldier Program. To learn more about the program as well as to donate click here- gofundme.com/lottieruns

Proof. And it was cold. Forgive me.

Oh wait. That had nothing to do with my three months in Israel. Silly me.

I Love Sneakers. Not.

On Thursday night I bought sneakers.
There's a sentance I never thought I would say.

I think I have come to terms with the fact that I can't do a half marathon in sandals or booties. Oh, the sad sad sad truth. When I go on tiyulim I wear tevas. I don't do sneakers. Not me. Not I. Not ever.

That was until I thought I could run 13 miles and have given myself less then 16 weeks to train. Good times. Sadly, reality.

I went to Mamila (because that's where I shop and have no idea where to find things if it's not from there) in search of the most subtle looking sneakers. No intense colors. No high tops. Just plain sneakers. Something that would match with my running outfits and nothing that would declare to the world "look at what I'm wearing. Look at my shoes." so not the message I'm trying to send.

I went into Adidas but their sneakers were ugly. Then I went into Nike but their sneakers were uglier. Then I realized they aren't ugly, this is what they look like. So I went back into Adidas. I have to admit I took my hair out of my bun, because obviously then I will look like a totally different person and there would be no way they would know that I was the girl that walked in twice. I didn't want them to think that I went in, saw sneakers that I really liked, thought I didn't need them so I left, and then only after I realized I needed them so I ran back to save those poor sneakers that just needed me.
Ya, so not the message I was sending to those Adidas workers.

I was looking for something cheap and cheerful. Thanks world for informing me that I could have bought two pairs of booties with the money I spent on these poor excuse for a shoe.
So cheap doesn't seem to exist in Adidas so I went with the cheapest, which could have fed a village in Africa.

There were a bunch of subtle colors, you know white and black and totally matchable to all the trendy running outfits I was planning on putting together (ha, like that's possible). I asked the guy if he had anything in a 7 1/2 or 8 (fun fact: my shoe size. Remember this important peice of trivia. You will never know when it will come up again) in any of the whites or blacks. Obviously he didn't.

But never fear he had the bright blue with yellow stripes in my size. Oh thank gd, I got to fufill my kindgergraten dream of blue and yellow shoes (used to be my favorite colors. Another fun fact you should write down and save for a lifetime). Lucky me.

I tried them on praying they wouldn't fit and then I would just need to look at the more expensive sneakers, which obviously wouldn't be my fault. But of course they fit, and the guy was watching me walk around in them so it wasn't like I could lie (thinking about it now I so could have).

As I was paying and as the guy was probably partying that this girl that walked in with two shopping bags and a very nice Thursday night outfit (if I may say so myself) was finally leaving. It was obvious to me I was making the Adidas in Mamila look really bad and very un- sportsy.

Of course though it's impossible for me to do anything without embarrassing myself. Gotta love not having a filter.

As I'm giving him my credit card I had the nerve to say "ha, guess I can only wear white or blue with these sneakers". I said that because those are the only colors that match.Duh. Isn't it obvious. Or so I thought. Clearly me and Mr. Macho Adidas Guy grew up on two separate planets because his answer was so mind boggling, so non seneschal, so what are you on- "what?"

That was his answer.
Anyone who is on the same wave length as me would say "oh I totally feel your pain. It really does suck."
And I thought that the customer is always right and the employee must sympothize with the customer. Well not at Adidas!

I told him he won't get it, took the bag and left.

First run tonight. 1 mile of jogging.
Excited isn't even the word for it. That would be if today was opposite day.

P.S.- I am still running! And I am still running for the Nefesh B'Nefesh Lone Soldier Program. Please click on this link to learn more about the organization and to donate! www.gofundme.com/lottieruns

Announcement Announcement Announcement

In 12th grade we could only graduate if we passed all our tests (understandable), got CPR certified (really annoying, but I guess it makes sense), did our "chessed" hours (now I know this blog isn't about me venting on my high school experience, but this "chessed" situation had so many ramifications that unless you weren't helping some dying man on the street and bringing him to live with you it didn't count as chessed), and lastly to run a mile. (oh and hold on to some bar or something. Horrible experience.)

Back to running the mile. Fun fact about me- I don't run. And when I do run it tends to look something like this http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V1k658QIFBE (yes, I am recruiting people to watch Friends as well as showing off my Phoebe-esque running style. Kill two birds with one stone eh)
I guess I was able to run the mile in high school because by some miracle I graduated. I wish I could tell you exactly how long it took for me to run it. Think 45 minutes or higher. Oh, and that's without my water and mental hygiene breaks.

Fine. So understood I can't run. Then I propose to you all the question of the day- why did sneaker-less, exercise-less, depends way too much on her fast metabolism you (that's me. Lottie. This is getting complicated) decide to register to run in the Jerusalem Half Marathon on March 1.

Ready for the answer? It's because I want to become more exercise conscious and health aware.

HA. NOT.

Honest answer is I truly have no idea!
This is another example to add to my "impulsive carpe diem list".
- WITHDRAWS from Stern after three days
- makes aliyah
- runs the half marathon
And unfortunately plenty more, but for that we may need a 24 hour lunch date.

However, since the deed is done and I'm all signed up and running (sneaker shopping later today. First time in way too many years!) I chose to donate the money raised to an organization that means so much to me and if you haven't come in contact with them yet I really hope you do soon. http://gofundme.com/lottieruns- pretty please click on my "fund me" page to donate to the Nefesh B'Nefesh Lone Soldier Program.

People who donate will get a surprise. Which is such a secret I don't even know what it is yet... dum de dum dum.

P.S.- I've noticed I have been way too active in the FB and blogging world lately. If it helps it's starting to annoy me too.

P.P.S.- Instead of making your status about the weather in NY (I'm sure it's so hot and sunny) and the election (oh who won by the way?) make it about donating to the Nefesh B'Nefesh Lone Soldier Program. Far more interesting then whatever your status is now. No offense.
Because you love Israel.
Because you love lone soldiers.
Because you love Nefesh B'Nefesh.
Because you love me.

Switching It Up (For Now)...

I love writing. It's the best form of therapy.
I wrote this after looking at a few photo albums on the NY Times website and even though this does not relate and is different genre (if you will) or what I normally write on this blog, I want my family and my friends to know I am thinking of them...

Warning: It may come as a shock (I don't know why actually), but I am proud of where I came from :-) Sue me.


Hundreds of displaced sleeping in shelters.
A day planned around waiting on line for gas.
Families in line for food.
Rummaging through piles of donated clothes.
Sitting outside in fear of looters.
Preserving the last bottle of water for when it's an "emergency".
Waking up, standing, sitting, speaking, sleeping. In darkness.
Huddled around an open gas flame for heat.
Burning furniture to stay warm.

This could never happen.

To the recently built five story home.
To the women that shop at Bergdorf's.
To the soccer moms who drive their Honda to and from the field all day.
To the commuter dads.
To the patient about to go under the knife.
To those working in skyscrapers about to sign a deal.
To the kid that just won the Spelling Bee.
To the families that eat a gourmet meal together every night.
To the girl who just got her license.
To the boy that can eat a pie of pizza in 8 minutes.
To the baby that needs formula prepared.

This could never happen in the Tri State area.
Things like those don't happen in civilized, metropolitan, "on the go" places.

We have homes, food, shelter, money.
It's not possible that one storm can desecrate it all.
A storm will spare Manhattan, after all it is the capital of the world.
A storm will understand that my house was only just built and will pass over it.
A storm will avoid destroying the train tracks, because it knows I have to go to work tomorrow.

I was not first handily affected by Sandy. To be honest, this time last week I didn't understand the severity of Sandy, but after reading and seeing pictures of destruction, of helplessness, of disparity, I now realize that our definition of "everything" in essence is nothing.
We rule over nothing. We own nothing. Here today, gone tomorrow.

All you need is love (The Beatles clearly knew what they were talking about). I believe that is the silver lining in this storm.
Unity, love and support. The three words that guide NY/NJ through every tragic moment it has been hit with.
Sandy is no exception.
Pictures of teenagers helping the trapped elderly. Of schools becoming soup kitchens and shelters for those who a week ago had it all. Families opening their doors to strangers. Marathon runners running to help clean up debris. Extension cords miles long for people to charge their phones.

It's a shame that it takes a tragedy to bring out the best in people, but it's a blessing to know that amidst the "Me Generation" the word "we" still exists.

Humbling is the word.

Even though I am no longer living in America, I am so proud to be from the Tri State area.

And You Thought You Had The Comfiest Bed...

Disclaimer: this is my first time blogging from my best friend, my iPhone. Sincerest apologies if the font and color is different. Don't fret. I have self diagnosed OCD so the potential font mishap situation will be fixed. Breathe!

So at about 5:30 pm after arriving in Jerusalem, which is where I am for Shab, I went on a mission.

What kind of mission you may ask (and if you didn't think to ask then dont read this blog. Clearly you are not interested in the highly important events taking place in my life. Highly important= making sure there is the perfect coffee to milk ratio in my coffee.)

Well let me tell you.

There is this thing most people have. No no, actually all people have. It's not food, shelter or love. It's better and you don't realize how good it is until you go two weeks lacking it.

A PILLOW! Big pillows. Small pillows. Thin pillows. Fluffy pillows.

Ya so I had nothing.

I was that poor kid you just wanted to give your leftover sandwich to since you saw the sign "I sleep pillow-less" on my face.

Well I guess it's a family thing because my brother also didn't have a pillow. Thanks mommy.

So after two weeks of suffering the worst of the first world problems I declared enough is enough.
Well there is one thing declaring, another thing doing. (Yes that was philosopher Lottie coming out to play)

Right, so back to getting into Jerusalem. At 5:30 on the dot my Home Center in Talpiyot excursion began. After looking in Givat Shmuel for a pillow for weeks, I was not taking no for an answer.

Home center will have the pillow.
It practically says it in their name- home= pillow. Right? Because who's home doesn't have a pillow?


Ok so I am on my way to get a better nights sleep.
Walk into Home Center and saw they had a deal- two pillows for 50 shek.
Perfect one pillow for me and one for Zushye. And maybe if I want to be super scandalous I will buy four pillows. Three for me and one for Zushye. I am a good sister. After all I went to get him from the airport.

And I am such a good sister that when I saw this massive pillow with fluff on one side and silk on the other I needed it. I endured a full week of school including a schedule mess up. I will own this pillow.
Plus coming from a temperpedic pillow to an average pillow to no pillow I deserve the best of the best.
Kill a sheep for all I care and throw it on my bed (ew that sounds repulsive).

So my mom has always told me I am a consumers dream. I don't know why. It's not like when there is a good sale I buy everything in sight (lies). Or when there is a good deal I suddenly must have every assorted color of a shirt (false.) So when I saw a sign that says if you buy the animal slaughtered (sorry PETA) matching blanket, you get the pillow for free.

Whats a few shekels here and there, right?
The word "a lot" usually tends to be an overstatement.

There was the singles size blanket and then the couples size blanket.
Suddenly in my head I am really fat and need that extra large couples blanket to keep me warm.

Heaven on a bed (in the Katamon apartment. I will be transferring this masterpiece to Givat Shmuel motzai Shabbat)

So there it goes this insanely overpriced Ugg-esque blanket and free pillow. Oh and we can't forget Zushye's pathetic normal people looking pillow...

Can't forget the fluffy side of the pillow. Perfect for those snowy Tel Aviv nights. 

But you should all be proud I did not get the matching robe. Tempting, but I do have self control. HA.

Dear Parents,
As I was walking back to my apartment with my new pet (yes, my blanket and pillow) in tow, I passed the Israel Loan Association. I will go there tomorrow. No worries :-)

(By the way, I shall not tell a lie. I realized over Shab that it's not silk, it's velvet. My bad. If this will stop you from being jealous of my new purchase well I am very sorry.)

Hey There Sandy

It's more then safe to say that I was just as prepared for the one and only Sandy just as much as my fellow New Jersey-ites were.

I wore that Ramah (never once stepped foot in that camp) poncho loud and proud to greet those stormy seas. This storm was just too severe for my pink J.Crew frain coat (frain coat= fake rain coat. Gosh.)

Oh hello umbrella that was tightly held in my right (shoutout righties) hand. You practically saved my life from that virtual rain.

Israeli outcome of Sandy- 4 leaves fell off a tree.

Sandy, you wish you could have knocked down 5 leaves.




Email I sent to my fam jam as Sandy slowly nears. As Sandy returns from Texas.

"I will just like to wish you a farewell for the next few days until you get power back.
Happy dining on canned tuna and corn.
Be merry with the gallons of water provided not just from Poland Spring, but from the heavens up above.
Realize this is reason number 7395 you should come and join me in this " and tomorrows forecast will be 84 and sunny. Wait that's not just for tomorrow that's for the next a thousand years" country.

Start rounding those flashlights
Get those rain boots ready

On your marks, get set, SANDY!"

So I thought this was an excellent email. Apparently only my brother Shaya did as well. Thanks Su.

A Friday Adventure...

Again, amazing blog (well at least I think so). Not chronological.

Date: Give or take 5 weeks ago.
Weather: Hot. This is a must know.
Receiver of the Facebook message: a friend... hey Rena.

So Adina and Nissana were here for Shab Shab and it was their job was to get the drinks.

Proof that in fact A & N were here. 

Anyhoo, everyone was too busy making potato kugel, so out of the goodness and boredness of my heart I offered to go on a little field trip up the road (it was back in the Katamon days. Hence the "give or take 5 weeks ago") and get the drinks. Someone gave me her credit card and off to the mall I went with that baby.
JOKES.
 I would never do such a thing. As I was leaving they told me we need more eggs for the kugel.
So I was on my jolly way.
Drinks and eggs.
Drinks and eggs.
Drinks and eggs.
The sun was shining (and not sparingly, if I may add), the birds were chirping, Friday mid-day in the holiest place. What an excellent life!

And then I walked into the supermarket.

It was psycho-ville, but all I had to get was drinks and eggs.
I found the perfect pack of eggies after pushing some person over since she was hogging the floor I needed to step on. And I got some drinks- coke, peach spring, and Sprite since when I asked what drinks to get SPRITE was very much emphasised.

Finally after waiting on a 22 minute line with some wacka doodle doo attempting to speak to me and me pulling the "ani eparon" card it was my turn.
I put all the food on the thing (obviously when I say thing you know exactly what I'm talking about. We are just that close) and started bagging it, but saw that the Sprite was no longer there, so I asked the lady (who by the way this was the third time in a week I had her. I thought we were besties at this point. I saw she had an engagement ring. We were so at the point of our employee consumer relationship that she would invite me to her wedding. Or so I thought) "EIFO HA'SPRITE?! As if some awful robbery had just taken place. For gd sakes I wasn't using my credit card and if they asked for Sprite, I will bring them their Sprite.
They will get that Sprite.
I will stop at nothing.

She said there was no code on the Sprite so she couldn't ring it up (ok, so maybe I wouldn't be a bridesmaid at this wedding anymore, but I could still potentially be invited).

1) This has seemed to be a current issue in this supermarket.
Solution: Get someone who's job is to "code" things whatever that may mean. Solution two: If you have a guy with the title The Coder, FIRE HIM
2) Code or no code, I searched high and low in your supermarket for these items. I endured waiting on a line. I want what I came for. And as I learned from Spongebob, the costumer is always right. So, if I say there is a code, whether there is one or isn't just give it to me.

Clearly these two ideas were not an option because she wasn't budging so I asked her if I could go to the drinks shelf, grab a new Sprite and she could ring that one up instead. I told her it would take two seconds, and if she doesn't believe me she could count.

And there went the wedding invitation.

She clearly was not into counting or watching people run, because ohhhh she got feisty.
"It won't take you two seconds. You can't run that fast. Now sign the receipt."
I truly have no idea what came across me at that moment. It's not like that supermarket was the only place in the entire Katamon, no in the entire Israel, no in the entire world, that sold Sprite. It's not like there was one Sprite left on the planet and I needed it. I have no idea why I couldn't leave with some dignity and just go into a makolet next door and get the stupid Sprite.

I told her that my friend is sick and all she wants is a Sprite.

She slammed the receipt on the counter, I got scared, and scribbled some sort of signature.
So much for playing the tough Israel.

Then I was passing a makolet and I saw they had Sprite (because in case you didn't know there are 5,000 Sprites produced every 2 minutes. Snapple Fact of the day. True or False?) so I put it on the counter and gave the guy the credit card to which he said "we don't take credit cards for under 20 shek."
Me: "I don't have cash and my friend desperately needs Sprite. That's all she has ever asked for."
Thank Hashem he saw how traumatic this entire experience had become and he let me pay for it with a credit card.

I finally got back to my apartment (drinks in the bubby cart... yes, laugh at me all you want. I am beyond embarrassed. But I WAS NOT THE ONE THAT BOUGHT IT. AGAIN, NOT MY IDEA, DID NOT BUY.* And eggs in my hand since I was too scared to wheel them. My hand was in the shape of the egg crate since I was holding them so tight.) and told everyone my Sprite adventures...

"but never fear guys, I am a hero once again and (wait for me to dramatically whip out the Sprite...) I GOT YOU SPRITE!"

The answer I get: "oh I didn't mean get Sprite specifically. I just said it to mean get any soda."

Ok. I can take that. No biggie that I ruined my reputation and got un-invited to a wedding.

"Fine. So I got the best eggies"
Answer I get to that- "oh I guess you didn't get our texts, we're not making kugel anymore."

Fun fact- there is no service in the supermarket in Katamon.


* Bubby cart update- the BC probably heard all the insults I made about it and decided enough is enough and broke on me one day when I had a ton of food in it. May it rest in peace. And may I never see or use anything like it again (well until someone buys it and then I remember how useful it is. I am squirming just writing that.
We have hands for a reason.

Officially A Voter (Well Once I Mail, Fax Or Scan It In But That's Not Important)

I've been hearing that there have not been enough pictures put up. 

Apparently this blog is also too self centered (then again that's the point of a blog I thought)

Unfortunately I can only please one party at a time. 

ME VOTING!!!

For the sake of this voting photo shoot I was looking for a red, white and blue outfit, but I still don't have a closet (notice the yellow duffel in the back? Yup, that's my closet) so green will just have to do. Go Libya, I guess. 

Warning: this is a really pathetic post. I just had to though.

Me and my absentee ballot... cheese!!

Woot woot. 

Writing the month before the date has never felt so good. Excuse the upside down-ness

Contemplation...  hmmmm. 

Any guesses who the lucky winner is? Go to the next picture...  Prepare for the shock of your life.
Dear Family, I 'm sorry. 

And the lucky winner is...! Dare me to be more patriotic? 

Thanks Daniella S. Ginsberg for these clearly professional photos.

It's About Time!!!!

Saying Sh'heciyanu isn't even enough to describe how happy I am to finally be able to say, I came. I saw. I conquered.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4yABo7QBawU- Today's anthem.

Today, October 25 will be a national holiday (not because it's Rachelle's birthday... ;-) but because I had my first day of school! One class, but you gotta start somewhere. Clearly Bar Ilan is very into easing people in sloooowly. If only I could tell high school me that one day I would be so excited to start school.

I walked in to the room faking to be all cool calm and collected. Key word in that sentence- FAKING. Big time. I had my coffee in one hand, my iPhone aka my security net in the other. (One could say I was pulling a Kimmy Samet... who knew I was so into shout outs today) When I walked into the room some girl said something to me. I have absolutely no idea what she was saying. It could have been anything from "your shirt is inside out" to "I see your American and have no idea what is going on and I will hate you." It truely could have ranged. Great, I walked in and two seconds later someone is possibly hating me already. I know I'm good looking but calm down there, no need to be a hater.

The teacher came in. And we had to write our names, major/ minor and year on a piece of paper. FYI- I am getting so judged by the fact that I don't have a minor. It's like people won't talk to me because I'm the kid that's not minoring in something. I just can't get it right! When I had that five minute idea (maybe even less then that) once upon a time that I was going to minor in art history everyone (ha, I make it sound like everyone knew. Maybe one person knew aka my mom. I told you a five minute idea. No one get insulted here) was like "oooohhhh you can't minor. No one minors in things. Ew who does that. You're contaminated. This friendship is over." Clearly, I took that very personally and now that I am not minoring in anything it has come to bite me.
Message of the story- no I am not minoring in anything. Sue me. Or love me. Whatever floats your boat.

So fine we had to write down our life story (well to me it felt like my life story since that is all people seem to ask me these days. Name. Major/minor and year. Like do you want to know where I was born? Who my second grade teachers were? Obviously not.) This guy asks me if he could borrow my pen to write down his info. My hands were legit shaking. He had to catch the pen from my hand. If I wasn't me and I saw that I think I would call 911. Poor kid.
Well for this teacher writing down your info wasn't enough, he wanted all of us to become buddy buddies so we had to say our life story too. I think I melted.
You know those stories of people "dying" and then coming back to life? So I think that happened to me today.
Like really? They really need to hear my accent in the first 7 minutes.
I should write a book. "How To Not Make Friends In Israel"- Way number one- SPEAK. And not only speak but speak with the abnormally strong New York accent that is slowly just turning into a curse.

So it was my turn. I think I did pretty well. I now know that in a case of emergency and panic (which this certainly was) I remember my name, my major and my year in University. Because what else matters in life, right?
Clearly Israelis and Americans have the same sense of humor because after I said my name my teacher said "ahhh kimo ha'caffe"Ha. Ha. Freakin Ha. I have never ever ever heard that hilarious joke before.

Then down to business. Class started. Shockingly I understood way more then I thought I would.

Somehow the topic went from why and how Modern Jewish History got the title Modern to how nice shuls are in America. It is very possible I was putting words into his mouth, but I really think that's what was flying. I think I was glowing. Actually glowing. All of a sudden I remembered shuls in America looking like Beverly Hills mansions (I can assure you my shul does not look like that). If one of them were to ask me what my shul looked like I think I would have answered, "gold. Just gold. Oh and some diamonds here and there. You know, the usual."

My notes. It doesn't matter that there were 1 million Jews living in America in 1900. It matters that America was mentioned. Best moment of Bar Ilan so far. USA USA USA

Ok then some more Hebrew gibberish, and then he asked the best question ever.

"Who knows what haskala is in English?"
I was thinking, "ok I am going to give these losers a chance to shine and show off their "rocking" English skills. Some girls raised her hand and said education.
Now, at the time I had no idea that haskala in Hebrew does mean education. No worries, about a half hour later I found out. You know, right after judging this girl insanely because she was so pretentious thinking she knows English and all that.
Anyhoo, she says education and I'm thinking what an idiot. It means enlightenment. Do you not know anything? Like I own this class because I know exactly what he's saying and she doesn't even know what haskala means in English. Uch I'm going to have to tutor her and be extra nice to her because clearly she doesn't know English and just needs help in life. Yes, this all made sense in my head.
Anyways, when the teacher said "no it means enlightenment." it was possibly the best SHABOOYA I OWN YOU moment of life.
Yes, as I said before my friend, Shayna (woohoo again with the shout outs. It's your lucky day.) told me a little later that indeed haskala does mean enlightenment.
Well whatever, she should have understood the context in which he was asking better. So yes, I still rock. I charge 50 shekel an hour for my English services.

Once class was over, it was the moment you (well at least I) have been waiting for. My chance to shine when I go up to the teacher and say how amazing I am for doing what I am doing and he should start praising me now because it may take all year.
So I fix my hair a little, you know gotta look good for this big, huge, life changing moment.
I had this massive smile on my face. You would think someone just gave me a million dollars and my own private island. Nothing could destroy this moment for me.

Me: "Shalom!! Ani oleh chadasha v'..."
"Yodati."

That's it?! No balloons falling from the sky? I no longer wanted to give him my whole speech that I practiced numerous times and even wrote out. He did not deserve that.
Instead he deserved an email a half hour later (it took me so long to type I could have taken a nap, woken up, made a snack, cured cancer, and saved Darfur in the amount of time it took me to write this three line email in Hebrew. I am telling you a taf on the Hebrew keyboard just doesn't exist.) asking to clarify what the homework was.

And there it is day one. Well class one.
Strike back on next week? Who knows.

P.S.- Ronit says she loves this blog and you should show people because she wants me to become rich and famous. What a selfless friend.

In The Last Five Minutes...

Usually I don't post breaking news, as they are happening events, but this one is just way too good to wait. Way too good.

If you didn't know there has been a strike in Bar Ilan conveniently since Sunday, the first day of school then stop saying "ohhh Lottie I love your blog ohhh ohhh" and actually read my blog. I may begin testing people on my life. Yes, my ego has been growing rapidly.

Anyways, this strike finally ended last night meaning my four month vacation has finally come to a close. I think I have covered everything there is to do over this vacation- spent more than enough time with my family, with my friends, casually moved countries, you know because everyone does that, learned the ABC's of Israeli bureaucracy, have apparently become more friendly (even though I see no change), slowly easing into this thing called Skype, and you know for someone that video chatting just isn't my thing (I can send a ten page paper as to why to whoever wants) this is a big deal. This vacation is slowly making me go insane from absolute boredom, maybe that's why I've been talking too much to people I normally don't talk to (JOKES. CALM DOWN).
Ok so great the strike is over and last night I looked at my Wednesday schedule. One class from 12-2 and then one from 2-4. Hazzah! The first day of school has finally arrived, even though it is coming to the end of October. It's not about the date or what month it falls on, it's about the occasion. Just pretend that made sense.
So as I am online choosing which lunchbox to buy, I have a little peak at what is going on in the Facebook world, because it is a proven fact that every 12 seconds something extraordinary is written or discovered and if I don't know about what some kid from camp 7 years ago wore two days ago no one will talk to me at the Friday night dinner table.
Something from one of these random Bar Ilan groups popped up that there is no class tomorrow from 12-2 because of some first day of school shindig. Like are you serious?! I just want to start already. I don't do bonding or let's all pretend we are so happy to be here and not counting down until these three years are up so we can move on.
But fine, one class cancelled, but I still have one more. Let's be positive.

All I have been waiting to do since I got here was to go up to my teacher and say "Hi! I just made aliyah. Heard that? I just made ALIYAH. I am a very important person and deserve all the help I can get from you, because if it wasn't for me this country would have a population of six million Jews and now they have a population of six million and one. So you might as well just give me an A in this course now so we can both get on with our lives."
And the good news is at 2 o'clock on Wednesday afternoon, my first day of school (finally! Yes, saying "finally" is always needed after I write "my first day of school") I get to say that.

Woke up this morning. The usual. Something about this morning though made me want to wear my contacts all of a sudden. You know, I wasn't in the mood to wear my glasses ( I figured I would need to for the first few weeks since I can't see building numbers) and hold a big map. I wanted to meet my future bridesmaids and that was not how I was planning on looking. Ok, so I spent a few minutes stabbing my eyes trying to get those stupid things in, but no no they don't budge.

I was on Jcrew.com looking for a cute idea for an outfit when I hear a little ding a ling on my iPhone (which by the way the speakers aren't working too well so if anyone knows how I can fix that I will pay you in potato chips. I have a lot of bags of potato chips for whatever reason), checked my phone and low and behold I get an email from my teacher who I have today at 2.
I thought he was going to say "Dear class, I am so excited to meet you and to learn with you and don't bother eating lunch today. Sushi on me!" or "Dear Lottie, you are the reason this country is still able to function. Here are all the tests I will be giving and here are all the answers. Our little secret."
I opened the email with pretty high hopes. The subject was "ain shiur hayom". Gosh, this teacher is not only giving me sushi for lunch but he's funny too! This is going to be a great year.

I read the email. Understood it, but thought I was losing my mind and put it into GT (remember, me and GT are on nickname basis). And yes, for once in my life I did understand it.

" Even though the strike is over, I won't be teaching until next week. See you then."

LIKE WHAT IN HEAVEN'S NAME GIVES HIM THE RIGHT TO DO THAT?!

You can't get what you want from the strike and then casually just take a vacation day. You just can't!
I think tomorrow I will just send the world an email and say "I know I am meant to be in college, but I am just no longer in the mood and I am taking a 7 month and 3 day vacation to Timbuktu."

As my brother Massye put it, "you will be diploma-less at 30." The odds of that are very much in his favor.

Ok, off to Jerusalem for the day. First day of school tomorrow. I think. I hope. I pray. That's all I can do at this point.

And I am not one for surprises.