Today I realized I have been at this driving thing for far too long. Six months far too long to be precise.
The saga began on April 10, 2013. Actually, the saga began on January 26, 2008 when I turned 16 and was too stupid to get on this licence thing pronto.
But thank gd the finish line is slowly in sight. And I went about a meter (please, I'm all Israeli and use the metric system now) closer today after passing my fifth driving theory test.
Five theory tests, you ask. Yes, five theory tests.
My justification for being a late driver is quite valid actually. I was born ten days late. I began walking at about 1 and a half. I don't know how to ride a bike (fun fact: I was in a raffle to win a bike along with 800 other kids and I won the bike. Whoever was in elementary school with me I hope you're over it by now. If not, the bike is sitting in my garage. Pick it up whenever). I don't know how to roller skate or blade nor ice skate. So basically I'm just not into the whole notion of self transportation. Clearly relying on myself to go from place to place ain't my forte. This is why I have needed the past 5 and three quarter years to ease myself into driving, because after all it is a form of self transportation.
Ok back to the five theory tests. I'll break it down for you:
First test- One morning in the 18th year of life I decided to be smart and begin driving. Theory test numero uno. Permit received. Party. Well not really since my dad was in work and my mom had and for some bizarre reason still has an irrational fear of getting in the car with me. Yup, just with me.
Second test- Three years after "Lottie Received Her Permit" day, I remembered I had a permit and should probably should turn it into something relevant aka a license. But no no, the permit expired. Hence theory test numero dos. But theory test number two was a no go. Lesson I learned from that test- just because you took a test three years prior doesn't mean you will remember the answers three years later smartypants.
Third test- About a week later I took the test again. Basically I was really dumb and failed. No rhyme or reason. I may or may not have cried myself to sleep as I saw my future life. I was going to be a dog walker. Why a dog walker? Well I could only have a job where the main focus is walking since I would never be able to drive a vehicle due to my lack of knowledge. And I chose dogs as the animal as a punishment to myself for being so dumb. Correct, I don't like dogs. As I told someone recently, if I had to be born again as a dog, I would rather not be born again.
Fourth test- A week after planning my future dog walking life, I took the test yet again and passed. A shhechiyanu was most likely said. A party was most likely thrown. The images of me being a dog walker were never thought of again.
Well that was until I realized I'm making aliyah so a permit means nothing.
So today, October 17, 2013, the day that I have 7 Facebook friends celebrating their birthdays, I took theory test number 5.
I began studying for it (which thank the Lord above you can take in English) about two months ago and told people almost daily I am taking it tomorrow. This theory test basically became the equivalent to other peoples' "my diet starts tomorrow".
However, this week I was stricken suddenly with a terrible, no good, very bad cold. A cold that has made me sound like Miley Cyrus (you know because she has a nasally voice). A cold that has made tree cutters cut down many more trees then necessary for Kleenex to supply me with more tissues. And a cold that has kept me up at night due to my stuffy nose and sore throat. On Sunday night when I couldn't sleep I was trying to come up with a new way to breath since the whole breathing through your mouth and/or nose was clearly not going to be happening to me anytime soon. By Monday night, I realized I can not come with a new way to breath, so I might as well do something useful while I heave for air. And that useful thing was study for this theory.
I did have a scare yesterday which I thought was a sign I would fail my theory (at that point I was so nervous to take the test I was just looking for excuses- I have a fear of tests, it's true) when my credit card got swallowed up by an ATM two seconds before a driving lesson. I didn't want to keep my driving teacher waiting so right after the lesson I went back to the bank and had to wait behind the smelliest man I have ever stood next to, for hours until I could get someone to get my card out. I'm telling you, forget about all the steam and lavender and what not your meant to smell to clear your airways, just stand next do a sweating smoker and all will be clear. Since my phone (aka my source of entertainment) dyed mid-wait, I was fortunate enough to watch the documentary the bank was so kindly playing for it's customers. It was a documentary about British people riding dwarfed horses (smaller then donkeys). No offense to the horse family, but horse dwarfs are rather unfortunate looking. As were these British riders.
Anyways, after fishing for every excuse in the sea and realizing it's now or never since the craziness of school is about to kick in, I went to the test taking place this morning. Or should I say I went to jail this morning.
By the entrance there was a security guy. I am far from anything suspicious looking, so they usually just let me in without thinking twice, oh the life of being a dumb American. Well this guy stood up and blocked the entrance. So I figured he was just being nonsensical, so I would step around him, but he blocked my way. In my head I was thinking oh so politely "MOVE OVER SO I CAN ENTER THE PREMISE", but he wasn't budging, so I asked him what he wanted from me (message to all security guards- tell people what you want from them. Clearly we aren't too good at guessing games). He told me I need all my forms out and I have to shut off all electronics and put my bag in a locker and lock it before entering. So I did that, the man gave me a number and then he let me in.
What was next? Remove your clothes and put on this orange jumpsuit?
The room was dead silent. Dead silent. Well minus this guy who wouldn't stop yelling to his friend waiting outside the room. No worries, the security guard dealt with the matter immediately and severely. Shockingly no handcuffs were taken out. Since no one had their phones on them all we were able to do was look at each other (what a concept) or pretend we were fascinating by our tofes yarok (the driving form that you had to bring with all your medical info). I did the latter. I must have read the tofes yarok about twelve times. Test me.
After a few minutes of sitting in the most uncomfortable silence, where you could hear a feather drop, and yes I'm aware a feather makes no noise, my number was called. She took a picture of me and told me not to smile. She also didn't tell me when she was taking the picture and when I'm nervous, as I was for this test, I blink profusely, so this picture is probably one of me looking like someone who just got arrested mid blink. I pray I never need to see this picture.
I then paid and she gave me my change in coins. I'm quite certain I muttered "screw you." I know, I'm so rude.
After this woman did her business with my forms she told me to sit back down until she called me up again. I was shaking like a madman. Another security guard began eyeing me and since the woman took my tofes yarok I had nothing else to do but stare at my shoes, which were black flats so that wasn't too entertaining.
The woman called me back up, and gave me my forms and told me to enter the next room to take the test. In that room there were three men walking around the room watching us. I think if I ever do wind up in jail, this experience will defiantly help me know what to expect. When I sat in front of the computer my hands were shaking so bad the mouse was wiggling. I have always had a fear of taking tests. I would rather do the hokey pokey in front of hundreds of people then take a test. Even if it's a test with information I know without thinking twice I panic. It's an issue. I know. In Israel you get asked thirty questions and you are only allowed to get four wrong. I finished the test and wanted to faint. You only find out whether or not you pass once you get the key to your locker and take your stuff out. Well when I went to my locker that same security guard (who should be fired) was blocking my way and being that he thought he was the head honcho didn't listen to me when I asked him to move. So I had to stand there for about five minutes while the what's, if's and's and but's about this test were going through my head. Finally I was able to get my sutff and the woman behind the desk said she had to tell me something. I thought it would either be regarding the test or the fact that you can't attempt to escape from jail. Well she told me she likes my name. Ok sweetie, your job isn't to tell people whether or not you like their name. I couldn't care less what she thought of my name. I could care what she thought about my test results but that didn't seem on the agenda, because then she asked me if I go by Charlotta or India or I have another name. So I told her kind of obnoxiously that I go by Lottie, hoping she will get the hint that I didn't pay 61 shekels to talk about the origins of my name and if she does want to discuss it it's almost lunch time so she could take me out to eat. I'm thinking her dream job is to work in for a baby naming dictionary company, because when she told me I passed(!!!!) she didn't sound half as excited as when she told me my name.
And to quote Jenna Rink from 13 Going On 30, "and I floated home on a cloud."
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| PROOOOOF!!! |
1) Stanley, because that has been my dream name for a pet since I was about ten
2) Almost A Licensed Driver (AALD for short- no, it's not the name of a drug, it's the name of a potential fish)
3) I Love Lottie (ILL for short- I know ILL is a horrid name, but what is stands for is truly beautiful)
But I didn't buy a fish. We'll save Stanley/AALD/ILL for when I pass my next driving test, the driving test!
Stay tuned...
