Happy Three Months To Me!

It's official.
I have lived here for three months.
Well almost. I need to take into account when the best time to post so both Israelis and Americans can benefit from this blog. Apparently I have some Russians reading this (obviously I stalk my stats about this blog. Maybe I check every 3 seconds. Hypothetically of course.) so the Russian time zone has now become more essenetial then ever.

Throw me a party. Make me a cake. Cards are acceptable.

Over the past three months I have learned things I never knew existed or could have never imaged existed.
Laugh at me. Cry for me. But mainly laugh. Humor is key to survival.

* There is this thing in Israel that doesn't seem to exist in America. It's called a crosswalk (or zebra crossing... see I still have some British-ness in me). In America two white lines means drive over the person's foot who is trying to cross the road. In America it means honk louder than you ever have before. Shockingly, in Israel it means stop the car. For you Americans, stop means press down on the breaks and let the poor, innocent pedestrians cross the street.
The problem is though, that because Israelis drive so fast they take the word "press down on the break" very literally. I have learned that no matter how fast the Israelite is driving they will stop. Even if it means they fly out of the window, they will stop.
What selflessness. What unity. What law abiders.

* Speaking of the use of the brakes. Buses. Buses in this country love the brakes. And the exhilarator. Dear Bus Drivers, Fun fact- the exhilarator and brakes are meant to balance each other out, not be used to such an extent my head is constantly hitting the window or the seat in front of me. Sincerely, I Have No Licence But Drive Better Then You

* To all the future olim who like Parmesan cheese- the date on the container of the cheese at the cheese counter is the date it was packaged. Not the date it expires.
Obviously I went back to the cheese counter after buying the cheese to tell them it was expired, only to be answered with "no this was the day it was packaged" just to make the cheese guy laugh.
Nothing I wanted to do more in life at that moment then to make Mr. Cheese laugh.

Video taken Thursday night in the rova

* I get a delivery guy to deliver my groceries. Call me lazy. Call me smart. I call myself genius.
Well I call myself genius only after the food is delivered. Before that point I feel like an idiot. Why you may ask- first time- I didn't tell them I wanted a delivery guy until it was too late. Too late meaning she was in the process of taking my credit card from me. I told her I want a mishloach and her face looked like I was holding a gun about to shoot. I thought she would be happy I was willing to pay an extra 15 shek. But no no from that experience after making everyone behind me wait an extra 5 minutes (I have such nerve for holding these people up. Give me the worst person award. Gosh five minutes... chill.)  I learned that there is a time and place to ask your questions and asking for a delivery in the process of paying is a big fat NO.
Ok take two- go back on to the battle field (aka the supermarket). Before I even put my groceries on the thing (because obviously when I say thing you know exactly what I'm talking about) I said loudly and proudly "I want a mishloach please." Obviously with my shopping experiences I knew you had to say it before you put the groceries out. Ha what armatures that think you say it later on in the paying process.
Once I said that she called her friend over who came yelling at me and throwing the form I needed to sign at me. WHAT DID I DO?!
Dilemma- I need to go food shopping again. I would rather starve

Life lesson- you are never right. Especially in a supermarket.

* To put it in one word- strikes. Didn't think shveeta would be Hebrew Word Of The Day on my first day of school.

* I am able to eat my favorite snack in the world without worrying if the person miles away from me has a peanut allergy. Hello Bamba all day everyday.

* I learned this the hard way during my shana alef and unfortunately I'm learning it again (sadly it's not getting any easier)- people don't know what Teaneck is. Gasp with me. It's like "oh you know Manhattan?" "No." Even more so with Teaneck.

A Teaneck mom mobile in Givat Shmuel... see Teaneck is a global town

* That people that work on the egg farm go on strike often. While everyone in America was worrying about power and water I was severely worrying about the lack of eggs as rumor has it an egg strike (and the Hebrew word for that is...? Yes, this is a test) is in the making. Good bye sunny side ups.

* Israeli kid shows, cartoons, basically anything that involves childrens entertainment is creepy. It scares me, I don't know how it doesn't scare a five year old.

One of the thousands of examples. I was scared. Frightened. Petrified. All synonyms apply. 

* The hardest words to read in Hebrew are the English ones. You spend hours reading and sounding out the word "modernity" you look it up, you say it in an Israeli accent hoping some magic will occur and abra cadabra the word will make sense. Well it only makes sense at 1am when you realize the mystery word you had the hardest time with is an English word. Go you.

* In 65 degree weather Israelis wear their winter coats, hats and gloves. Brrrr. 65 and snowing tomorrow? Well according to Israeli fashion I think so.

Same Thursday night kumsitz in the rova.

* Make aliyah because here banks give out a free bike if you open a savings account, 50 shekels if you tell a friend to open an account in your bank, and discounts on everything. Who needs money with all these freebies?! Yes, I did get an unnecessary cardigan only because it was 50% off with my discount.

* I no longer say my name instead I spell it. "ma ha'shem shelach?" "lamed- vav- tet- yud" It's just not worth that hassle anymore.

* I have learned that the cats in Givat Shmuel are far more vicious than the cats in Jerusalem.
This is a venting session right? Here goes.
There is this black cat by my apartment building. No, not by my apartment, basically in my apartment building. Now I'm not superstitious or anything, but this situation is getting a little ridiculous.
Some mornings when I land on the ground floor in the elevator and I open the door (yup, we have those olden day elevators which at first creeped me out, but there is a certain charm to the old fashionedness. Takes me back to the 1970's or as my brother puts it- communism) and the cat is just staring at me. Or  I take out the garbage, and obviously first I do the cat search and nothing in sight, so I throw the garbage away and there is that freaky faced cat.
There are also two doors to my apartment building. The cat switches off which door to press it's face against depending on the day. I have not yet figured out it's schedule but hopefully soon I will. Anyways, I saw the cat was hanging out by one door so I ran across the hall to open the other main door and from the corner of my eye I see the cat running around so when I open the door it will run in. I was the mouse in this cat and mouse game, and believe me the mouse is not the person you want to be. By some miracle I did not get jumped on by this animal.
In case you don't know when I see a dog I see my head in it's mouth and when I see a cat I see myself being pounced on.  I think a goldfish is the only animal I see a potential friendship with.

Moral of the story- the cats are viscous. Count your lucky stars you only have squirrels. Squirrels go for nuts. Cats go for the Lottie.

* I discovered this little, really not important thing called the JERUSALEM MARATHON and will be running in it on March 1. I am actually about to go out now to train, see this is really happening (still don't know how I feel about it!)
I plan on raising at least $500 for the Nefesh B'Nefesh Lone Soldier Program. To learn more about the program as well as to donate click here- gofundme.com/lottieruns

Proof. And it was cold. Forgive me.

Oh wait. That had nothing to do with my three months in Israel. Silly me.