I Have A Farm. Ee-I-Ee-I-Oh.

I know "hate" is a strong word, so I will try to say this as subtly as possible.
I highly dislike, despise and don't care for animals. At all.
That dog that you have that you have and claim that it's harmless, well every time I look at it I see myself getting eaten.
That cat that apparently never scratches, well it always scratches me. I basically need stitches.
My family had a hamster a few years ago. I was looking at it once while it was in its cage. Just looking. I come in peace. The hamster was lucky enough I was even giving it the time of day. Anyways, to cut a long story short it scratched me. You heard right, it was in it's cage and with all it's strength took it's monstrous claw, reached out of the cage and scratched me.
See, animals don't like me and I am forced to return the favor.

In America the only daily issue I had were squirrels. Fortunately, I have no horror stories to report. However, there were times my plans were delayed a few minutes since there would be a squirrel sitting on my doorstep outside and I would always wait until it left before I left. I guess that it where I get my everlasting patience from ;-)

Then I decided to make aliyah and the animal issue only went downhill.

Old McDonald doesn't have a farm anymore. I do. And on that farm we have a...

CAT:

When we looked at our apartment for the first time, I immediately saw a black cat sitting right by the elevator on the ground floor. I didn't want my future landlord thinking he was renting this place out to some lunatic so I kept my cool. At this point my friends already knew the drill- just be my human shield. I would never ask for a human shield from rockets or missiles, but when it comes to animals it is highly essential.
Anyways, we bought the apartment and apparently the black cat came with it.

This cat sits outside the entrance door to the building all day and all night. Clearly g-d is on my side because there are two entrance doors so when it is sitting by one I run across the hall and use the other door and then declare victory once I have made it out safety.

The other day was different. The other day I was attacked. I am a survivor. It was hard, but I have made it through.
It was about 5:50 and I was leaving my apartment to go to class. I have one of those funky looking, old elevators and I accidentally hit my neighbor in the head with the door. Oops.
Anyways, I made it to the ground floor get out of the elevator and I see this black creature sitting right by the door. I took a step, it took a step. I was trapped and my worst nightmare was there to join me.
I tried going back into the elevator, but the cat followed me inside and there was no way I was introducing this cat to my apartment. I started walking to the main door to get out of the building and figured since this cat is following me it will leave the building since I am.
I opened the door and since I am such a polite human being and try to do my best to tell these animals I come in peace I let the cat out first but it didn't budge. It actually spread itself out on the floor right in front of me. I was going to throw up. I somehow managed to step over it and ran for my life. RAN FOR MY LIFE. I never took gymnastics or anything so I really have no idea how I managed to jump, hoop and loop around this cat.

BREAKING NEWS: About an hour ago I was leaving my apartment and the cat wasn't sitting by the entrance so I knew today would be a good day. Well, that was until I was halfway through the door and I saw this black cat (I decided to name it Ugly this morning), Ugly running, no bolting towards me. I ran back inside and slammed the door shut just missing one of it's legs. Your welcome PETA.
Ugly caused me to spill my coffee everywhere, be late for class, and once again assure me that my fear is justifiable.

On that farm we also have...

PARROTS:

The house right by the entrance to my building has a parrot cage. I personally find parrots creepy. People speak. Not parrots. Thank gd I have yet to hear them speak, only chirp. And chirp. And chirp. One day, one of them escaped the cage and landed on my window sill. Luckily the window was closed. If it were open I would not be alive right now to tell the tale. Some call me miracle child actually.

On that farm we also have an...

OWL:

Every morning, every afternoon and every night there is this "hoo hoo" sound coming from mine and Nikki's room. The noise is coming from very nearby. I am too nervous to look out the window when I hear it out of the fear that it may attack when it sees a human. I have never really watched/read  Harry Potter but it is very Harry Potter-esque, you know with his pet owl and all. Maybe it's my invitation to Hogwarts. Not interested. Not interested at all.

Ee-I-Ee-I-Oh. 

If you are interested in donating animals to the farm talk to the people who run Givat Shmuel. Clearly this is what their intentions are.