Only In Israel Eh

Lottie Kestenbaum can count by twos and tie her shoes. She can zip zippers and button buttons, but Lottie has no common sense. None whatsoever. Zero. For example when she says she knows what she is doing- RUN.

Ok back to first person. A few weeks ago I went to my cousins for Shabbat. Well if only that was the end of the story.
I was going from Jerusalem, and noticed that the buses to Givat Ze'ev (where they live) had different numbers, but I didn't think too much about it.
Mistake number one.
I went on the last bus before Shabbat and assumed that the route would be the same.
Mistake number two.

Twenty minutes into the ride we were driving through a Charadi area, when all of a sudden I noticed I was the only person left on the bus. Yup, just little old me. I assumed the next stop would be by my cousins house so I stayed on the bus. All of a sudden the bus driver noticed me (I may have had a slight cough attack which is why he noticed me- who knows where I would be right now if I swallowed my water the right way and he didn't notice me) and pulled over.
He told me that he already stopped at the last stop.
I think my initial reaction was the obvious "oh." And then a blank stare. I know, clearly I'm able to express myself wonderfully. I guess the blank stare went on for a tad too long because he then told me to get off the bus.

I was really thinking this would be an "only in Israel"sort of scenario. You always hear those stories of that idiot that goes on the bus to Eilat thinking they are en route to Metula and then when they realize they reached the wrong destination, the bus driver will drive them 3 hours in the right direction.
Well all this man had to do was drive me 10 minutes. 10 minutes of his 24 hour day. But no no, because "only in Israel" stories only happen to me when I don't want them.

For example, a few weeks ago I had a driving lesson (again). I am telling you the day I receive my license, which will probably be way after I learn how to ride a bike, make rice (don't ask. I can make anything, but rice. It has some sort of vendetta against me), and learn to keep a secret, I will throw a party. A party that is better than Justin Beiber's thirty twelve party ("we gonna party like it's 3012 tonight". I don't really get it either. Why would we party like its 3012 when we can party like it's 2012, but whatever.)
Anyways, the way it works in Israel is towards the end of your lesson you pick up another student and then that student drives you home and has their lesson. So my lesson was coming to an end and I picked up this 70 year old woman (who says your too old to learn how to drive? Umm Me.) who drove me to where I thought would be home. Suddenly she pulls up to some station and my driving teacher goes "since it's Friday I assumed you are going away for Shabbat so find your bus".
Ok driving teacher, sweetie, that is really nice of you. Really really nice of you. If. I. Were. Going. Away. For. Shabbat.
It's like a pilot telling you on a flight to New York, "I figured you all wanted to go to LA anyways to say hello to Rodeo Drive. Bye"
I felt too bad to tell him "DID I MENTION ANYTHING ABOUT GOING ANYWHERE?!" so I put on my polite face and left the car. I honestly had no idea where he dropped me off. Thank goodness for Google maps. After about 15 minutes (yeah that's right it takes me 15 minutes to read Google Maps) I realized I was in the Tel Aviv Tachana and ran to get my bus before I got:
1) shot
2) raped
3) all of the above

Well that was my "only in Israel" story. Short and sweet. But not sweet. Not at all.

So now, the one time an "only in Israel" story would be highly necessary, it's a no go. He gave me that look that says "you belong in a mental institution, get off my bus. I have no soul, I won't drive you ten minutes you oddball American." So off the bus this oddball American (yup that's me) went.
Obviously for dramatic effect it had to thunderstorm as I exited the motor vehicle. Yes, it rained in this drought ridden country, the one time I needed food, shelter, and love. I found shelter under a cardboard box and spent Shabbat there. The end. No jokes.
I found shelter under a bus stop across from a mikveh. If anyone was wondering the mikveh in frummy Givat Ze'ev a half hour before Shabbat is very hip and happening so I suggest you go early. You can thank my obnoxious bus driver if that piece of information just helped your pre Shabbat planning.

I looked on Google Maps to see how far the walk would be to the cuzzies- 1 hour and 29 minutes. A 10 minute drive. But an hour and twenty nine minute walk. In rain. Thunder. Lightening. Who knows the long awaited earthquake could finally hit if I dare engage in the trek of doom.
After about a two millisecond contemplation as to whether I should walk or not I decided I would rather take refugee under the bus stop, get spat at for wearing a shirt that was redder than a pepper, and eat dirt while my cardboard box is getting electrocuted by lightening (yes, I know it's not possible, but I need to prove a point here.)

My phone was dying (obviously. Because when isn't my phone dying, 1% charged or dead) so I called my aunt who picked me up in her chariot of shining armor make of diamonds and Swarovski crystals. Aka her car.

And there you have it. The "only in Israel" story which had so much potential, but just never happened. Why the world hates me, I will never know. All I do know is my jumbo Toblerone chocolate bar needs to be finished tonight. Challenge accepted.