If I was a psychic this is what I would have told myself approx 3 hours ago:
Before leaving your home/apt/trailer/street prepare yourself:
- You will sweat.
- You will be pushed.
- You will be elbowed.
- You will basically be able to sue for physical harassment had you been in America.
- This will be worse than Ben Yehuda on your first Friday of Shana Alef. You have been warned.
What to bring:
- an iPod with inspiring, power to you, type of songs.
- a smile. If you are not a smiley person, no worries, it will go away after a few minutes.
- a good attitude. You were sent into a bomb shelter this year, buying a gas mask half a year later. All part of the Israeli experience. Whoop de do. Let's paint rainbows.
Gas mask time baby. Cue the inspirational, dramatic music.
Well I didn't know any of this.
I woke up this morning at 5am to study for a final (yes, it's Aug 28 and I'm still taking finals.), took the final at 8:30, accepted the fact that I failed which broke my heart, went to buy some food to help me heal my broken heart, realized how sad my life is when I am not in school/at work, came home and was ready to cram in some last minute studying for my driving test which I was planning on taking in the afternoon. And then I went on Facebook.
Is it just me that whenever I hear "and then I went on Facebook" you know something bad is about to happen.
Gas masks, war, chemicals, Assad. Doom. Death. Destruction. The Mayans got confused and really meant Aug 2013 is when the world will end.
Dum dee dum dum.
Lord have mercy. Life is not a highway, Rascal Flatts, it's a freaking episode of 24 that never ends. And I am your main character. Move on over Jack Bauer.
I am a news freak. I love reading the news. Especially in Israel, you gotta know what the deal is. This place is so unpredictable that if you skip the newspaper routine one day you will miss that "today Israel is not selling apples in protest of the strike that is going on in Ben Gurion which is due to the lack of toilet paper in Jerusalem." Basically you gotta read the news.
So I knew what the deal was in Syria for a while, but I guess it finally hit me.
You. Gas. Mask. NOW.
I'm thinking it hit me because I was really not in the mood to study for my driving test. It's not everyday you can procrastinate using the excuse of gas masks.
Hashtag only in Israel. Hashtag YOLO. Hashtag people who say "hashtag" in sentences annoy me more than a broken ice cream cone with ice cream dripping out of it.
I looked up a few numbers to call for home delivery, because I'm lazy. And honest.
But obviously in times of need they decide not to be working. I can't say I'm surprised.
On to the post office (gas mask distrubution spot) in Tel Aviv I go...
On the bus I realized I should have brought my driving theory test study material. You know, getting back at Assad. Yo, this woman can drive baby. But I am not gangster and don't plan on talking to a dictator anytime soon, so I stopped that thought.
Got to the post office. First time I didn't get lost using google maps (I'm telling you, I can't follow a map for the life of me). Shehechiyanu.
About the post office... In most countries there post offices are probably dead quiet all day. Well Israel is not most countries.
Dear Bored Post Office Workers,
Move to Israel. We know how to turn dull outdated buildings into quite the hot spot.
Love,
Israel
Thousands of people. It was like going in a time machine to the old school days and the only means of communications was through pigeons or mail. Pen and paper and stamps sort of mail. Kind of like those long lost Lisa Frank days.
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| It looks like a handful of people waiting. Well multiply this handful by 1,000 and that's how many people are in front of them, inside, or waiting on sidewalks. The Teaneck post office wishes it looks like this. |
Only thing to remember was this post office was Israelite style.
What is a line? Hmmm g-d gave me a fist and a terribly loud voice for a reason eh.
There were so many people that the tickets with your number in line ran out. Classic Israel, when the tickets run out you just push even more.
Assad, you haven't attacked us yet nor will you ever (please gd) but you caused Israelis to attack me with their elbows. And gosh their elbows are strong. My bruises thank you.
Even more classic Israel, when hundreds of people can't even get into the building to see which ticket number is next up because it is so blocked up some guy comes outside and yells the next number up.
About 15 years ago I was in England with my fam jam and we were waiting outside Buckingham Palace for the gates to open or something. Remember I was 6. I didn't care about anything but chocolate.
Anyways, my parents were pushing about four different strollers, because at the age of six I had four siblings. Camp Kestenbaum. And as some car was coming down some pathway (remember 6, chocolate, me) a British guard screamed so loud at my parents to "MOVE THAT BUGGY". (Buggy is a stroller).
Point of the story is that this British buggy guard had nothing on this calling numbers guy.
Havoc.
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| If this guy becomes famous tonight... you saw him here first. |
I am pretty competitive so when I set my mind to doing something I like to do it and do it the best way possible to show the world that I really am invincible, but this wasn't worth it.
As I started leaving I saw a bunch of TV crews and interviewers and people with those chunky monkey cameras. Basically paparazzi. I guess in Israel you're a celeb if you leave getting a gas mask to the 11th hour.
Represent.
I left interview-less, gas mask-less, bruised, and so upset that I was excluded from the newest Israeli fashion trend- holding a cardboard box.
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| Presenting the newest fashion trend. |
You will be on a beach during your labor day weekend.
I will be waiting for a gas mask during mine.
Tell the beach I send my love.
Never a dull moment.
Post Office, prepare for take two tomorrow in Jerusalem. See you at the crack of dawn.
Shout out Assad for ruining my sleeping routine.
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