An Afternoon Rant

It’s true, I think I live in a movie. I guess it’s a pretty dull movie because I really don’t do much with my life, but Les Mis was a dull movie (hate me. I just have the guts to say what everyone was thinking) but yet it made millions.

I just wish I had some DJ following me around all day with the perfect song to match the activity I am doing. It’s not fair that in movies the moment the rain falls (as a break up is happening, of course) some slow yet intense song comes on. The moment the two main characters prance around in the flower field (because of course that always happens) some Indie, hippy wannabe song blares.

I have noticed I spend more than half the time during the too frequent “Me Moments” looking for the perfect song on my iPod.

When I am on the bus the perfect bus song needs to be playing. But then again a “bus song” is truly subjective. There are many factors that play into choosing the most accurate “bus song”. Who’s on the bus, how is the driver’s driving skills, is it a smelly bus and so on.

If it’s a perfect day outside with strictly good looking people on the bus then that qualifies for a specific genre. However, if it is this creepy bus that I unfortunately need to ride on every so often with thousands of unwashed, ancient dolls lying around something dark and scary needs to be played. I am telling you these dolls have not been washed since the dawn of man. I am really into home décor and all but this bus is a totally different story. (The 168 if anyone is interested)

But the one rule I have for my iPod, which after four years together it is well aware of, is to never to play any inspirational or power to the female gender songs because it will make me cry.

Every time I watch that now famous Dove commercial about the sketch artist the tears just flow. Every time.

I also always need the perfect song because I’d like to think when I go out some movie making moment will happen to me. 

Like someone will go into labor and I will deliver their baby. By the way, I recently decided I want to be an OBGYN. I then remembered my bio grades in high school, so I think we will save this OBGYN dream for another life.

I also think when I am out I am going to meet some guy who will sweep me away in his Lamborghini. I’m not shallow. I promise. Or that someone will attempt to jump out of a window and commit suicide but I save their life by reminding them how J.Crew occasionally does free shipping to Israel.
Perfect song for saving lives anyone? 

I also think that there are times that a film crew is filming me to see how I will react to certain things. Clearly I think very highly of myself. But why is it that on my Facebook newsfeed the MikvahCalendar keeps on popping up and I didn’t even like the page. It is constantly telling me when I need to go to the mikvah. Sorry I’m really not that holy. And FYI not married and repulsively single.

Also you know those metal bar security barriers? And once you put your ticket through the machine or the security guard checks your bag the bars are supposedly meant to automatically move?

Well then I have a question for you Mr. Inventor Of The Metal Bars, why does it discriminate against one specific white, blonde, Jew? Yours truly.

I can sue for the amount of bruises I have covering my hips. And for the almost dented hip bone. Saying I broke or crushed a bone is too intense. I think dent is a perfect word to describe hurting a bone. Of course I know what I am talking about. I want to practice in the medical field and be an OBGYN anyways. 
The perfect song is necessary. 

I think the fireworks that went off last night were planned. Why is it that the one time I am walking alone past 9 o’clock and bugging out that a cat is going to attack me (who cares about rapists. Cats are so much more dangerous in this day in age) there is a sudden boom.

I love Israel and all but let’s not forget it is this itty bitty thing of a country surrounded by enemies. So when I hear a bang or a boom or even a frying pan fall the first thing that comes to mind is, “and the moment we have been waiting for. Syria is on the lose. Egypt is in wacky land. Grab your emergency kit and that non existant gas mask because you have been too much of a lazy bum to order it.” Well lucky for me the boom at 9 o’clock last night were just fireworks. You know because July 6th is a highly significant day and deserves fireworks. See if only some Katy Perry “Fireworks” would be blaring out of my handy dandy iPod we would be set to shoot the “Lottie Project.”